I turned away from the window so as not to see that grey, encroaching
desert, for the discovery produced a certain agitation in me. Egypt
seemed suddenly a living entity of enormous power. She stirred about
me. She was stirring now. This flat and motionless land pretending
it had no movement, was actually busy with a million gestures that
came creeping round the heart. She was reducing him. Already from
the complex texture of his personality she had drawn one vital
thread that in its relation to the general woof was of central
importance--ambition. The mind chose the simile; but in my heart where
thought fluttered in singular distress, another suggested itself as
truer. ‘Thread’ changed to ‘artery.’ I turned quickly and went up to my
room where I could be alone. The idea was somewhere ghastly.
III
Yet, while dressing for dinner, the idea exfoliated as only a living
thing exfoliates. I saw in George Isley this great question mark
that had not been there formerly. All have, of course, some question
mark, and carry it about, though with most it rarely becomes visible
until the end. With him it was plainly visible in his atmosphere at
the hey-day of his life. He wore it like a fine curved scimitar above
his head. So full of life, he yet seemed willingly dead. For, though
imagination sought every possible explanation, I got no further than
the somewhat negative result--that a certain energy, wholly unconnected
with mere physical health, had been withdrawn. It was more than
ambition, I think, for it included intention, desire, self-confidence
as well. It was life itself. He was no longer in the Present. He was no
longer _here_.
‘Some countries give while others take away.... I find Egypt
difficult to deal with. I find it ...’ and then that simple,
uncomplex adjective--‘strong.’ In memory and experience the entire
globe was mapped for him; it remained for Egypt, then, to teach him
this marvellous new thing. But not Egypt of to-day; it was vanished
Egypt that had robbed him of his strength. He had described it
as underground, hidden, waiting.... I was again aware of a faint
shuddering--as though something crept secretly from my inmost heart to
share the experience with him, and as though my sympathy involved a
willing consent that this should be so. With sympathy there must always
be a shedding of the personal self; each time I felt this sympathy, it
seemed that something left me. I thought in circles, arriving at no
definite point where I could rest and say ‘that’s it; I understand.’
The giving attitude of a country was easily comprehensible; but this
idea of robbery, of deprivation baffled me. An obscure alarm took hold
of me--for myself as well as for him.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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