"I am an essentially selfish man," he would say--"I have met
selfishness everywhere among my fellow men and women, and have imbibed
it as a sponge imbibes water. I've had a fairly hard time, and I've
experienced the rough side of human nature, getting more kicks than
halfpence. Now that the kicks have ceased I'm in no mood for soft soap.
I know the humbug of so-called 'friendship'--the rarity of
sincerity--and as for love!--there's no such thing permanently in man,
woman or child. What is called 'love' is merely a comfortable
consciousness that one particular person is agreeable and useful to you
for a time--but it's only for a time--and marriage which seeks to bind
two people together till death is the heaviest curse ever imposed on
manhood or womanhood! Devotion and self-sacrifice are merest folly--the
people you sacrifice yourself for are never worth it, and devotion is
generally, if not always, misplaced. The only thing to do in this life
is to look after yourself,--serve yourself--please yourself! No one
will do anything for you unless they can get something out of it for
their own advantage,--you're bound to follow the general example!"
Notwithstanding this candid confession of cynical egotism, the man had
greatness in him, and those who knew his works readily recognised his
power. The impression he had made on Innocent's guileless and romantic
nature was beyond analysis,--she did not try to understand it herself.
His name and the connection he had with the old French knight of her
childhood's dreams and fancies had moved and roused her to a new
interest in life--and just as she had hitherto been unwilling to betray
the secret of her literary authorship, she was now eager to have it
declared--for one reason only,--that he might perhaps think well of
her. Whereby it will be seen that the poor child, endowed with a
singular genius as she was, knew nothing of men and their never-failing
contempt for the achievements of gifted women. Delicate of taste and
sensitive in temperament she was the very last sort of creature to
realise the ugly truth that men, taken en masse, consider women in one
only way--that of sex,--as the lower half of man, necessary to man's
continuance, but always the mere vessel of his pleasure. To her, Amadis
de Jocelyn was the wonderful realisation of an ideal,--but she was very
silent concerning him,--reserved and almost cold. This rather
surprised good Miss Lavinia Leigh, whose romantic tendencies had been
greatly stirred by the story of the knight of Briar Farm and the
discovery of a descendant of the same family in one of the most admired
artists of the day. They visited Jocelyn's studio together--a vast,
bare place, wholly unadorned by the tawdry paraphernalia which is
sometimes affected by third-rate men to create an "art" impression on
the minds of the uninstructed--and they had stood lost in wonder and
admiration before a great picture he was painting on commission,
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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