Something--it may have been the home-looking blaze (I am a bachelor of,
say, six-and-twenty), or possibly a plaintive cry of the baby in my
tenant's room, had suggested to me the thought of--marriage.
I piled upon the heated fire-dogs the last armful of my wood; "and
now," said I, bracing myself courageously between the arms of my chair,
"I'll not flinch; I'll pursue the thought wherever it leads, though it
leads me to the d--(I am apt to be hasty)--at least," continued I,
softening, "until my fire is out."
The wood was green, and at first showed no disposition to blaze. It
smoked furiously. Smoke, thought I, always goes before blaze; and so
does doubt go before decision: and my reverie, from that very
starting-point, slipped into this shape:
I. SMOKE--SIGNIFYING DOUBT
A wife? thought I. Yes, a wife.
And why?
And pray, my dear sir, why not--why? Why not doubt? why not hesitate;
why not tremble?
Does a man buy a ticket in a lottery--a poor man whose whole earnings
go in to secure the ticket--without trembling, hesitating, and doubting?
Can a man stake his bachelor respectability, his independence, and
comfort, upon the die of absorbing, unchanging, relentless marriage,
without trembling at the venture?
Shall a man who has been free to chase his fancies over the wide world,
without let or hindrance, shut himself up to marriage-ship, within four
walls called home, that are to claim him, his time, his trouble, and
his tears, thenceforward forevermore, without doubts thick, and
thick-coming as smoke?
Shall he who has been hitherto a mere observer of other men's cares and
business--moving off where they made him sick of heart, approaching
whenever and wherever they made him gleeful--shall he now undertake
administration of just such cares and business, without qualms? Shall
he, whose whole life has been but a nimble succession of escapes from
trifling difficulties, now broach without doubtings--that matrimony,
where if difficulty beset him there is no escape? Shall this brain of
mine, careless-working, never tired with idleness, feeding on long
vagaries and high, gigantic castles, dreaming out beatitudes hour by
hour--turn itself at length to such dull task-work as thinking out a
livelihood for wife and children?
Where thenceforward will be those sunny dreams, in which I have warmed
my fancies, and my heart, and lighted my eye with crystal? This very
marriage, which a brilliant working imagination has invested time and
again with brightness and delight, can serve no longer as a mine for
teeming fancy. All, alas! will be gone--reduced to the dull standard
of the actual. No more room for intrepid forays of imagination--no
more gorgeous realm-making. All will be over!
Why not, I thought, go on dreaming?
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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