London (England) -- Social life and customs -- 19th century -- Fiction; Upper class -- Fiction
In spite of the fearful weather, Kingcote walked incessantly. The
solitude of his cottage was hideous. Every little familiar sound--the
rattling of a window or a door, the endless drip of rain, the wind
moaning in the chimney--became to him the voice of a tormenting demon.
He loathed the sight of every object around him; the damp odour which
hung about the place and greeted him whenever he entered from the open
air brought a feeling of sickness; he dreaded the hour of going upstairs
to the bare bed-chamber, where the cold seized him as in a grip, and the
darkness about his candle was full of floating ghosts. The sound of the
rain, as he lay longing for the sleep that would not come, weighed upon
his spirit to the point of tears; he wept in his gulf of wretchedness.
He could not read; the hours of the day would have been interminable but
for the regular walk, which killed a portion of time. And occasionally
he could spend an evening at the rectory.
Only a man capable of settling at Wood End as Kingcote had done would
have been capable of living thus through these late weeks of the year.
It needed a peculiar nature to go through with such self-torment--a
nature strangely devoid of energy, and morbidly contemplative. He would
not admit to the Vissians that he suffered in any way; he even visited
them less often than he otherwise would have done, that he might not
appear to seek refuge in their house. Bodily ill-health had much to do
with his singular state--ill-health induced by long mental suffering and
the unwholesome conditions of his life; it aggravated his moral disorder
and made him physically incapable of the step he would otherwise have
been driven to. To quit the cottage and return, if only for a time, to
London, he had persuaded himself was impossible; whilst Isabel Clarendon
lay on her sick-bed he could not go away. During the first two weeks,
he himself had fallen little short of grave illness; his nights were
feverish: once he found himself standing at the gates of Knightswell,
without being able to summon consciousness of his walk from home, the
hour being just before dawn. Upon this had followed lassitude; he heard
almost with indifference of Isabel’s improved condition, and for a
few days did not care to move from his fireside. The fever left him,
however, and mental disquietude took its place. A source of misery
and exasperation was the number of people he knew to be calling at
Knightswell; the multitude of her friends excited his jealousy; he
himself was of no account among them, the very least of these people,
who made their conventional visits and left their respectable cards, was
more to her than he. Even if a voice assured him that it was not so,
he refused to listen; the fascination of self-torture will not brook a
moment’s consoling. He called twice, at long intervals, partly because
it was not decent to neglect the duty, partly because a longing to draw
near to her anguished him; but each time he came away maddened with
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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