far as it was presented to me in the different aspects with which I
had been made familiar. I often thought of the poor girl who had been
the only friend I had ever had in the world, and in that remembrance
was comprised all the tenderness I had ever felt towards my species.
I hope I do not distress you by my words; but it has come upon me in
some odd way to give you as exact a portrait of myself, as I was at
that time, as I can produce; perhaps for the reason that I wish you to
understand the wonderful change that took place in me not long
afterwards. Years ago I buried as in a grave all the records of my
life, with the intention of never speaking of them, of never thinking
of them if I could help it. But man proposes, chance disposes. Even
to-night I intended to pluck out only one remembrance, but I have been
overpowered.
When I was thirty years of age I was taken into partnership, and five
years afterwards my partner died, and I was sole master. Before I was
taken into partnership I had been a machine, paid to perform certain
duties; but when I was a partner I considered myself responsible for
the nature of the business we undertook, and I purified the office,
sending all clients away who came with a dishonest intent. This change
resulted, strangely enough, to my advantage, and the business
increased. I conducted it steadily, without in any respect changing my
mode of life. The money I was making was in every way valueless to me.
I had no one to whom I cared to leave it, and no pet scheme which I
wished to be carried out after my death. I remember thinking that it
would be a fine thing to fling the money into the sea before I died.
I come now to the most eventful page in the history of my life. If I
could blot out the record, and could stamp it into oblivion, I would
gladly do so; but it is out of my power, and I can only look upon it
with wonder, and upon myself with contempt for the part I played in
it.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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