She at once set to work, putting her new domain in order. Some of the
pasture she grubbed up for spring sowings, the rest she drained by
cutting a new channel from the Kent Ditch to the White Kemp Sewer. She
re-roofed the barns with slate, and painted and re-tiled the
dwelling-house. This last she decided to let to some family of
gentlepeople, while herself keeping on the farm and the barns. The
dwelling-house of Little Ansdore, though more flat and spreading, was in
every way superior to that of Great Ansdore, which was rather new and
inclined to gimcrackiness, having been built on the site of the first
dwelling, burnt down somewhere in the eighties. Besides, she loved
Little Ansdore for its associations--under its roof she had been born
and her father had been born, under its roof she had known love and
sorrow and denial and victory; she could not bear to think of leaving
it. The queer, low house, with its mixture of spaciousness and
crookedness, its huge, sag-ceilinged rooms and narrow, twisting
passages, was almost a personality to her now, one of the Godden family,
the last of kin that had remained kind.
Her activities were merciful in crowding what would otherwise have been
a sorrowful period of emptiness and anxiety. It is true that Ellen's
behaviour had done much to spoil her triumph, both in the neighbourhood
and in her own eyes, but she had not time to be thinking of it always.
Visits to Rye, either to her lawyers or to the decorators and
paper-hangers, the engaging of extra hands, both temporary and
permanent, for the extra work, the supervising of labourers and workmen
whom she never could trust to do their job without her ... all these
crowded her cares into a few hours of evening or an occasionally wakeful
night.
But every now and then she must suffer. Sometimes she would be
overwhelmed, in the midst of all her triumphant business, with a sense
of personal failure. She had succeeded where most women are hopeless
failures, but where so many women are successful and satisfied she had
failed and gone empty. She had no home, beyond what was involved in the
walls of this ancient dwelling, the womb and grave of her existence--she
had lost the man she loved, had been unable to settle herself
comfortably with another, and now she had lost Ellen, the little sister,
who had managed to hold at least a part of that over-running love, which
since Martin's death had had only broken cisterns to flow into.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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