At an examination of a school in Edinburgh, a gentleman asked one of the scholars by what name they called property that descended from a father? “Patrimony,” answered the scholar: and what do you call it, when descended from a mother? “Matrimony,” was the reply. THE LIGHT GUINEA. An Irishman one day walking on the streets of Glasgow, found a light guinea, and got 18s for it: next day he was walking and sees another, Allelieu dear honey, says he, I’ll have nothing to do with you, for I lost 3s by your brother yesterday. ELDER’S HOURS. A cunning carle, invested with the semi-sacred office of “Ruling Elder,” or practically seemingly identified with that office, in order to gratify an inclination, scratched, wi’ the neb o’ a fork, the figure 10, on the one side of his outer door, and the figure 11, on the other. By which plan he was able to say wi’ “a good conscience,” at a’ times and on a’ occasions, that he came ay hame atween ten and eleven. THE THISTLE. A few Scotch and English travellers being met together, an Englishman took it upon him to run down the Thistle, exclaimed against the empty boast of its motto; “Nemo me impune lacesset;” when a Scotchman present observed, “The Thistle, sir, is the pride of the Scottish nation, but it is nothing in the mouth of an Ass.” SAGE INSTRUCTIONS. A labouring Highlandman, who lived in the upper parts of Perthshire, whose wife was taken in labour, wished him to retire out of the house. Janet says to him.--“Oh! you be gang awa’, Duncan, gang awa’!” The man however kept loitering about the door, seemingly impressed with something of great importance. At last he cries to his wife, “You speak a me, Shanet! you speak a me!” The wife asks, “What you say, Duncan?”--“Gie the cummer (the midwife) a dram, Shanet, gie the cummer a dram!”--“What for Duncan?” “Gie the cummer a dram, Shanet an’ tell him to mak her a laddie.” DEATH OF A WATCH. After the battle of Falkirk, in 1746, a Highlandman was observed extracting a gold watch from the fob of an English officer who had been killed. His comrade viewed him with a greedy eye; which the man taking notice of said to him “Tamn you gapin’ creedy bitch, gang an’ shoot a shentleman for hersel’, an’ no envie me o’ my pit watch.” Next morning finding his watch motionless, and meeting his comrade, says to him, “Och! she no be care muckle about a watch, an’ you be like mine what will you gie me for her?” The other replied, “I be venture a kinny.”--“Weel then,” said the other, “Shust tak her, an’ welcome, for she be die yester night.” LUMP OF OLD WOOD. An aged man, named Thomas Wood, sitting on a high three footed stool in the gallery of the Old Church of Falkirk, during divine service, happened to fall asleep, tumbled on the floor with a great noise. The preacher stopped, and demanded the reason of the noise. “Nothing, Sir,” cries a wag, “But a lump of Old Wood fallen down.” SCOTCH PARROT.