John Smith's Funny Adventures on a Crutch: Or The Remarkable Peregrinations of a One-legged Soldier after the WarHill, A. F. (Ashbel Fairchild)
History
John Smith's Funny Adventures on a Crutch: Or The Remarkable Peregrinations of a One-legged Soldier after the War
Hill, A. F. (Ashbel Fairchild)
Disabled veterans -- United States -- Fiction; United States -- History -- Civil War, 1861-1865 -- Veterans -- Fiction
After an apparent death-struggle of three-quarters of a minute, she
actually ceased to breathe, and I feared she was dead. I took her ample
wrist in my hand and there was not the slightest perceptible pulsation.
Here was a go! Here was a fix for John Smith! Night; foreign country; a
dead woman on the beach; only two of my race present, and they scared
like the deuce; surrounded by a score or two of the swarthy,
blood-thirsty natives of a semi-barbarous land! O, how I wished that
crutch of mine were but clicking on the side-walk in front of Trinity
church, New York; or the State House, Philadelphia. But no, there I was;
and the gloom of night, mingled with the black faces of vicious and
cowardly ruffians, frowned on me. O, Smith! Smith!
What was to be done? What _could_ be done? Fortunately, the boat was
soon after ready, and I thought the best thing we could do would be to
have the “body” put aboard, and take it along. My companions concurred.
But how should we get it into the boat? The quickest way was to hire the
natives, so, I spoke to them. In my extremity, I remembered that but a
small proportion of those present could speak English, so I endeavored
to address them with a mixture of both English and Spanish. As nearly as
I can recollect, I thus spoke to any and all of them, individually and
collectively:
“_Hombre! Signor! Carryo this hero fatwomano into boato for cuarto
rialos! Do you mind!_”
It appears they comprehended me, for eight of them, in view of
half-a-dollar each, laid hold of the “form” and proceeded to carry it
into the boat. It was indeed a clumsy burden. Yet they conveyed it to
the boat on scientific principles. The following was the programme: any
anatomist will readily comprehend:
Two of the _Hombres_ supported their share of the weight by locking
hands beneath the _glutæus maximi_; two others, in like manner,
supported the _clavicles_, _coracoid process_ and _acromion_ of
_scapula_, the _humeri_, _ulna_, _radius_, _et cetera_, besides the
_sternum_ and _latissimus dorsi_; two others supported the _tibia_,
_fibula_, _gastrocnemius_, _tibialis anticus_ and _extensor communis
digitorum_; the seventh supported the base of _tibia_, _astragalus_,
_peronæus tertius_, _abductor minimi digiti_, and _extensor pollicis
proprius_; while the eighth took charge of the _occipito-frontalis
temporalis_, _os frontis_, _parietal_ and _orbicularis palpebrarum_.
Thus they conveyed the inanimate form to the small boat; but they were
just on the point of “dumping” it in, when it returned to consciousness,
opened its eyes and mouth, breathed, and was once more Mrs. “Pheel.”
“Murther!” was the first articulate sound of the resuscitated.
“Hush, my good woman,” I implored. “You are all right now. We are
starting for the steamer.”
Thereupon, she opened her mouth and uttered a series of screams that
made the night hateful, and causes me to shudder yet, when I think of
them. The substance of them was:
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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