* * * * * The female who appears on the platform this month will alwus hav cause tew wonder whi she did it. Her father will be a skool teacher, and he will bring her up in the distrikt skool bizzness. At 29 years and six months she will marry, and will be well edukated in the dutys ov a wife, for she will understand Daball's arithmetik, and parseing, just az eazy az falling down the cellar stairs. She will hav but one son, and he will be edukated oph from hiz feet at an early age. _ANNOUNCEMENT EXTRORNARY._ (_Advertizement._) Phelix Phungus (_dog dokter_), late ov the royal vetenary college, and 12 years in a doggery in the old country, offers hiz services tew the Pordunk people. He kan remove fleas from a dog in 16 minnits; he kan take the krook out ov a dog's tail in 13 minnits; he kan learn a dog tew lie in front ov a fire all day in 12 minnits; he kan tell how fast a dog kan run hitched tew a tin pail in 3 minnits; and kan tell how mutch sassage he will make bi just hefting him. Consultashuns free. P. P. D. D. PHELIX PHUNGUS, DOG DOKTOR. 30 Days. JUNE. 1872. Q.--Who waz the weakest man? @ A.--Fred Bennett couldnt lift hiz note for fifteen dollars. @ [Illustration] _Mary Moore iz a farmer's lass, She's winsum az a pozy; The chap who ketches Mary Moore, Wont be no kuntry josey._ +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ |@ | @ || _Kalkulashuns._ | _ROOTS_ AND _ARBS_. | +--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ | 1| S || @ _Sweetly warm_ | | | 2| G || @ now grab roses | 8 wont go into 6, and hav | | 3| M || @ _frequent wet_ @ | ennything left over. Menny a | | 4| T || John Smith born | yung phellow haz found out this | | 5| W || in the year 4 @ | bi trieing tew git a number 6 boot | | 6| T || @ _slitely hot_ @ | on. | | 7| F || John Smith waz a | | | 8| S || good investment @ | * * * * * | | 9| G || _warm, but growy_ | | |10| M || | Thare iz nothing a man will git | |11| T || @ John Smith | so sick ov az too mutch molasses. | |12| W || waz | (_Sweet girls, make a note ov | |13| T || better than | this._) | |14| F || kompound interest | | |15| S || @ _now imbibe_ | * * * * * | |16| G || _fragrance_ @ | | |17| M || @ bully for John | Prudery iz often like the chesnutt- | |18| T || Smith @ | burr: it duz seem as tho it | |19| W || _warm, but wet_ @ | never would open, but by and by |