Porkanbeans Billings lived and throve in the 16th sentury. He loved a horse with grate power. He could swop a horse clusser than enny man that imparshall history tells ov. He iz sed tew have swopped Deakon Absolem Featherweight, klean out ov a 5 year old sorrel horse, at one swop, and the deakon waz looked upon az almost insurmountable in a dikker. Not tew disguise the fakt, Porky Billings waz a hoss jockey ov the anshunt daze, one who hung around the village tavern, and alwuss had on hand an old flag-tailed pelter, with a glass eye, tew trade with ennyboddy. I dont feal like bragging ov Porkanbeans az an ansesstor, but i must say, az a horse jockey, (if all reports are trew) i feal proud ov him. I forgot tew state, that Porky left no property. Thare iz a grate deal ov genius in the horse-swop bizzness but fu assetts. Porkanbeans died instantly, sumwhare about the fust ov the 17th sentury. He waz struk bi the hind feet ov a mule. Moral karakter even wont save a phello-being from dissolushun, when a mule goes for him with both hind feet at once. Sich iz life. Sich iz the mule. Porkanbeans haz my sympathy, he also haz mi tears, but i dont serpose they will be worth mutch tew him now, he iz too ded. Fairwell old phello-being, fairwell mi ansesstor. Deth iz our porshun. I think i kan say this without making a phool ov miself. Undoubtedly. Yes. Jiss so. _MORAL._ Tew swop a horse and not git beat, Iz sumthing nice tew brag on, I tried it once, and that's the time I lost a horse--and waggon. 31 Days. JULY. 1874. Q.--Pleaze defin a good wife? @ @ @ A.--A silent partner in the consarn. @ @ @ [Illustration: PORDUNK DIET PORK AND BEANS] _Dont talk to me ov anshunt Job, Ov biles he had a plenty, But they were all one breed ov biles, Leastwise 19 out ov twenty._