Love stories; New York (N.Y.) -- Fiction; Scotland -- Fiction
That sigh meant a lot. It was the reaction from an inward struggle.
All day she had been suffering from the dominance of two opposing
ideas, between which her inward nature swayed pendulum-wise. This
“inward nature” comprised her mind, her reason, her intelligence, her
fears, her hopes, her desires--the whole mechanism and paraphernalia
of her emotional and speculative psychology. She would fain have gone
out boldly into the garden and there met Mr. Hardy face to face--of
course by pure accident. But this vague intention was combated by a
maiden fear; one of those delicious, conscious apprehensions made to
be combated unless thoroughly supported by collateral forces; one of
those gentle fears of sex which makes yielding so sweet. Following
this came the fixed intention of that walk to be taken in the morning.
The morning was still far off and its apprehensive possibilities were
not very dreadful. Indeed she did not really fear them at all for she
had privately made up her mind that, fear or no fear, she was going on
that walk. The only point left open was its direction. The hour was
positively settled; an hour earlier than that at which for the past
few days she had driven out with Daddy! Even to herself she would not
admit that her choice of time was in any way controlled or influenced
by the fact that it was the same hour about which Mr. Hardy made his
appearance in the garden.
But all the same her thoughts and her intentions were becoming
conscious. For good or evil she was getting more reckless in her
desires; passion was becoming dominant--and she knew it.
This is perhaps the most dangerous phase of a woman’s trial. She knows
that there is at work a growing desire for self-surrender which it is
her duty to combat. She knows that all contra reasons which can be
produced will be--must be--overcome. She knows with all the subtle
instincts of her sex that she is deliberately setting her feet on a
slope down which some impulse, perhaps but momentary, will carry her
with resistless force. It is the preparatory struggle to defeat; the
clearing away of difficulties which might later be hampering or even
obstructive; the clamant _wish_ for defeat which makes for the
conquered the satisfaction if not the happiness of finality. To all
children of Adam, of either sex, this phase may come. To the strongest
and most resolute warrior must be a moment when he can no more; when
the last blow has been struck and the calling of another world is
ringing in his ears; to the resolute amongst men this moment is the
moment of death. To women it is surrender of self; surrender to the
embrace of Death--or to the embrace of Love. It is the true end of the
battle. The rest is but the carrying out of the Treaty of Peace, the
Triumph of the Victory in which she is now proud to have a part--if it
be only that of captive!
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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