Russian literature -- 19th century -- History and criticism
to say good-bye to his comrades; for this he allotted two minutes. He
assigned two more minutes to think one last time of himself, and to
look round for the last time. He remembered distinctly that he made
these three plans, and that he divided his time in this way. He was to
die, aged twenty-seven, healthy and strong, after having said good-bye
to his companions. He remembered that he asked one of them a somewhat
irrelevant question, and was much interested in the answer. Then, after
he had said good-bye to his comrades, came the two minutes which he had
set aside for thinking of himself. He knew beforehand of what he would
think: he wished to represent to himself as quickly and as clearly as
possible how this could be: that now he was breathing and living, and
that in three minutes he would already be something else, some one or
something, but what? and where? All this he felt he could decide in
those two minutes. Not far away was the church, and the cathedral with
its gilded dome was glittering in the sunshine. He remembered that he
looked at the dome with terrible persistence, and on its glittering
rays. He could not tear his gaze away from the rays. It seemed to him
somehow that these rays were his new nature, and that in three minutes
he would be made one with them. The uncertainty and the horror of the
unknown, which was so near, were terrible. But he said that during this
time there was nothing worse than the unceasing thought: ‘What if I do
not die? What if life were restored to me now? What an eternity! And
all this would be mine. I would in that case make every minute into a
century, lose nothing, calculate every moment, and not spend any atom
of the time fruitlessly.’ He said that this thought at last made him so
angry that he wished that they would shoot him at once.”
Dostoievsky’s sentence consisted of four years’ hard labour in the
convict settlement in Siberia, and this ordeal was doubtless the most
precious boon which Providence could have bestowed on him. When he
started for prison he said to A. Milioukov, as he wished him good-bye:
“The convicts are not wild beasts, but men probably better, and perhaps
much worthier, than myself. During these last months (the months of his
confinement in prison) I have gone through a great deal, but I shall
be able to write about what I shall see and experience in the future.”
It was during the time he spent in prison that Dostoievsky really
found himself. To share the hard labour of the prisoners, to break
up old ships, to carry loads of bricks, to sweep up heaps of snow,
strengthened him in body and calmed his nerves, while the contact with
murderers and criminals and prisoners of all kinds, whose inmost nature
he was able to reach, gave him a priceless opportunity of developing
the qualities which were especially his own both as a writer and as a
man.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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