the subordinate is bound always to bow the head, that he must neither
disobey, nor blame, nor discuss, and that when facing a superior who
astonishes him too much, the inferior has no other resource but his
resignation. But how could he manage to give in his resignation to God?
However this might be, one fact to which he constantly returned, and
which ruled everything else, was that he had just committed a frightful
infraction of the law. He had closed his eyes to a relapsed convict
who had broken his ban; he had set a galley-slave at liberty. He had
stolen from the laws a man who belonged to them. He had done this, and
no longer understood himself. He was not certain of being himself. The
very reasons of his deed escaped him, and he only felt the dizziness
it produced. He had lived up to this moment in that blind faith which
engenders a dark probity; and this faith was leaving him, this probity
had failed him. All that he had believed was dissipated, and truths
which he did not desire inexorably besieged him. He must henceforth be
another man, and he suffered the strange pain of a conscience suddenly
operated on for cataract. He saw what it was repulsive to him to
see, and felt himself spent, useless, dislocated from his past life,
discharged and dissolved. Authority was dead within him, and he no
longer had a reason for living. Terrible situation! to be moved. To be
made of granite, and doubt! To be the statue of punishment cast all of
one piece in the mould of the law, and suddenly to perceive that you
have under your bronze bosom something absurd and disobedient, which
almost resembles a heart! To have requited good for good, though you
have said to yourself up to this day that such good is evil! To be the
watch-dog, and fawn! To be ice, and melt! To be a pair of pincers, and
become a hand! suddenly to feel your fingers opening! To lose your
hold. Oh, what a frightful thing! The man projectile, no longer knowing
his road, and recoiling! To be obliged to confess this: infallibility
is not infallible; there may be an error in the dogma; all is not
said when a code has spoken, society is not perfect, authority is
complicated with vacillation, a crack in the immutable is possible,
judges are men, the law may be deceived, the courts may make a mistake!
To see a flaw in the immense blue window-glass of the firmament.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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