Letters of Major Jack Downing, of the Downingville MilitiaSmith, Seba
History
Letters of Major Jack Downing, of the Downingville Militia
Smith, Seba
Lincoln, Abraham, 1809-1865 -- Caricatures and cartoons; United States -- History -- Civil War, 1861-1865 -- Humor
After he got thru, the Kernel called on me to make sum remarks, but I
telled him "I didn't cum there to say enything, but only to listen, an
to see ef I could larn enough of what was goin on to complete the
message." They all set in then, especially Seward, an sed I must give
my impreshins, ef nothin more. "Wal," I telled 'em, "ef I sed enything
I should be jest as blunt as a pump-handle, an they mustn't take no
offence; an that so far as I was consarned, I might jest as well go to
a singin school to larn to dance as to have cum here to find enything
about the state of the country. Every one of 'em seemed to be thinkin
about himself, an nothin about the country. Because they drew their
salary regularly, an had enough to eat and drink, they thought nobody
was hurt. I telled 'em that I guessed they all had on 'Glorification
Spectacles,' an that everything was magnified to 'em. Then I sed that
jest what the Kernel wanted to know to put in his message was, how many
sojers we had, an how much they were costin; an how many sailyurs we
had, an how many ships, an how much they cost. Then I telled 'em that
the people would like to know how many poor fellers had lost their
lives sence the war begun; how many had been crippled, &c., &c.; an how
much the debt would be after we all got thru; an finally, what great
good we had got by it all." Here Chase spoke up. Ses he, "We'll
establish freedom an restore the Union." "Wal," ses I, "ef you want
four millions of niggers to take keer of, you're welcome to 'em, but as
for restorin the Union by war, so far it's jest been like climbin a
greased pole; as fast as you climb up you slip back, an," ses I, "it
will be so to the eend of the chapter, unless I'me mistaken." Ses
Chase, ses he, "The Majer is disloyal." Wen he sed that I jumped rite
up with my hickory, an ses I, "Ain't your name Salmon?" Ses he, "Yes."
"Wal," ses I, "it won't be long if you don't take that back." I never
see a feller look so scart. Ses he, "Majer, I didn't mean eny offence,
an so I'll take it back, for I think you mean well." I telled him "that
I didn't allow enybody to say or to intimate that I warnt a friend to
the Constitushin and the Union."
The Kernel here spoke an sed that his Cabbynet was a good deal like old
Josh Pendleton's boys out in lower Illinoy. They allers cum hum every
New Years to see the old man an have a talk of old times, but afore
they got thru they allers had a regular fite. So he thought he'd adjurn
the Cabbynet for fear there would be a scrimmage here.
Then they all took their departure, an the messige ain't no nearer done
than ever. The Kernel an I have set up nite after nite, an drank old
rye, but it is no use, we can't get it in ship-shape form. The Kernel
ses he guesses he will jest get the messige out in rough and send it
into Congris, an let Sumnure, Chandler, Lovejoy an Thad Stevens lick it
into shape.
Yourn till deth,
MAJER JACK DOWNING.
LETTER XXII.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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