It is from the thought of you, the thought of our dear children, from
my determined resolve to sustain you, to live to see the day when our
honor shall be given back to us, that I draw all my strength. When I
sink under the united burden of all my woes, when my brain reels, when
my heart can bear no more, when I lose all hope, then to myself I murmur
three names--yours, those of our dear children--and I nerve myself again
against my agony, and not a sound passes my silent lips. To tell the
truth, I am physically very weak; it could not be otherwise. But
everything is effaced from my mind, hallucinating memories, sufferings,
the atrocities of my daily life, before so exalted, so absolute a
preoccupation, the thought of our honor, the patrimony of our children.
So I come again, as always, to cry to you with all my strength, with all
my soul, “Courage, and still courage, to march steadfastly onward to
your goal--the unclouded honor of our name”--and to wish for both our
sakes that this goal may soon be reached. The dear little letters
written by the children always move me deeply, cause me extreme emotion;
I often wet them with my tears, but I draw from them also my strength.
In all my letters I read that you are raising these dear little children
admirably. If I have never spoken of this to you it has been because I
knew it, because I knew you.
To speak of my love for you, the love that unites us all, would be
useless, would it not? Still, let me tell you again that my thought
never leaves you for an instant day or night, that my heart is always
near to you, to our children, to you all, ready to sustain you, to
animate you with my unconquerable will.
I embrace you with all my strength, with all my heart, and also the dear
children, while I wait to receive your good letters, the only rays of
sunshine that come to warm my cruelly wounded heart.
Your devoted
ALFRED.
Kisses to your dear parents, to all.
* * * * *
_5 June, 1896._
My dear Lucie:
I have not yet received your good letters of April, so I have been
forced to content myself by re-reading, as I do each day, often many
times a day, your good and affectionate letters of March, and from them
I have drawn a little calm. I cannot, however, let the English mail
leave without coming to gossip a little with you, without drawing near
to you.
Oh, I can see you very well in thought from here, my dear and good
Lucie, for you do not leave me for a single moment. I know the moments
of your crises, when, after some one has given you hope, that hope is
again disappointed; when, after a moment of relaxation, of peace, you
fall back into a violent despair, asking yourself with anguish when we
shall wake from this abominable nightmare in which we have lived so
long. And then you write to me, and you find in your splendid soul, in
your loving and devoted heart, the strength to hide from me the
atrocious tortures, the appalling anguish through which you are passing.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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