It was a curious inconsistency in the mind of Ida Locke which had
prompted her to write in that red-covered note-book just what she had
written. No one would have guessed the secret strain of introspection
in her, nor guessed the impulse which led her to put into writing her
hidden life. Unless, indeed, that introspection and that impulse are
always part of the intuitions of love--yielded to or not, as may be.
The entries were scattered--as if put down when the stress of feeling
had overcome her. They ranged over the two years of their married
life. In each one she had seemed, with a startling lucidity, to have
apprehended exactly her husband's state of mind toward her. She had
written freely, baldly, without excess of sentimentality. "I know he
hates me sometimes; I see it in his eyes." Again: "He is hideously
kind." "He lives in a mental room that I can't break into." In another
place it ran: "Why is it? I am his mental equal; his superior in
education. I'm his wife and he asked me to marry him. And yet he can't
bear to have me near him. He hates me to-day." "I'm afraid," she wrote
again, "how Leonard will regard our child. If he should hate it, too.
Perhaps we shall both not live through it." And so it ran on, with
awful candor.
"I'm so sorry she had to know," Haldane sighed again and again. "And,
now, what's to be the end of it? What will Ida's mother do? Lord God,
she'll never forgive me--never."
* * * * *
Late that night Mrs. Locke came in. Haldane had scarcely stirred from
his chair. The note-book lay open before him on the desk. He looked at
her compassionately, for now his thoughts were all for the shrinking,
hurt woman beside him. She had never before seemed so fragile, so
dependent, and yet he could not but mark in her hearing a new
resolution of forces, a dignity as of a stern decision. Haldane did
not wait for her to question.
"You will want to know," he began, wearily, "if all this written here
is true. All this Ida wrote down. You want to ask me that? It's--it's
all true, quite true." He waited, but she gave no sign. "Quite true;
I--I suppose it wouldn't be worth while for me to explain things now.
You will think I've lied to you all along. In a way, I have. No, I
suppose you don't want to hear me make futile explanations, excuses."
"If there--there is anything to be said, Leonard, you had better say
it--now," she answered, nervously, twisting her handkerchief in her
fingers.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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