Lincoln's yarns and stories : $b A complete collection of the funny and witty anecdotes that made Lincoln famous as America's greatest story tellerMcClure, Alexander K. (Alexander Kelly)
History
Lincoln's yarns and stories : $b A complete collection of the funny and witty anecdotes that made Lincoln famous as America's greatest story teller
McClure, Alexander K. (Alexander Kelly)
Lincoln, Abraham, 1809-1865 -- Anecdotes
There was another pause, and the Cabinet officers, maintaining their
previous silence, began wondering if the President himself really knew
what he was “driving at.”
“Just before we left Indiana and crossed into Illinois,” continued Mr.
Lincoln solemnly, speaking in a grave tone of voice, “we came across a
small farmhouse full of nothing but children. These ranged in years from
seventeen years to seventeen months, and all were in tears. The mother
of the family was red-headed and red-faced, and the whip she held in her
right hand led to the inference that she had been chastising her brood.
The father of the family, a meek-looking, mild-mannered, tow-headed
chap, was standing in the front door-way, awaiting--to all
appearances--his turn to feel the thong.
“I thought there wasn’t much use in asking the head of that house if she
wanted any ‘notions.’ She was too busy. It was evident an insurrection
had been in progress, but it was pretty well quelled when I got there.
The mother had about suppressed it with an iron hand, but she was not
running any risks. She kept a keen and wary eye upon all the children,
not forgetting an occasional glance at the ‘old man’ in the doorway.
“She saw me as I came up, and from her look I thought she was of the
opinion that I intended to interfere. Advancing to the doorway, and
roughly pushing her husband aside, she demanded my business.
“‘Nothing, madame,’ I answered as gently as possible; ‘I merely dropped
in as I came along to see how things were going.’
“‘Well, you needn’t wait,’ was the reply in an irritated way; ‘there’s
trouble here, an’ lots of it, too, but I kin manage my own affairs
without the help of outsiders. This is jest a family row, but I’ll teach
these brats their places ef I hev to lick the hide off ev’ry one of
them. I don’t do much talkin’, but I run this house, an’ I don’t want no
one sneakin’ round tryin’ to find out how I do it, either.’
“That’s the case here with us,” the President said in conclusion. “We
must let the other nations know that we propose to settle our family
row in our own way, and ‘teach these brats their places’ (the seceding
States) if we have to ‘lick the hide off’ of each and every one of them.
And, like the old woman, we don’t want any ‘sneakin’ ‘round’ by other
countries who would like to find out how we are to do it, either.
“Now, Seward, you write some diplomatic notes to that effect.”
And the Cabinet session closed.
DIDN’T EVEN NEED STILTS.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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