Unhappily, the visible morals of Hartley offered an easy occasion. It
is not quite easy to gather from the narrative of his brother the exact
nature or full extent of his moral delinquencies; but enough is shown
to warrant, according to the rules, the unfavourable judgment of the
collegiate authorities. He describes, probably truly, the commencement
of his errors—‘I verily believe that I should have gone crazy, silly,
mad with vanity, had I obtained the prize for my “Horses of Lysippus.”
It was the only occasion in my life wherein I was keenly disappointed,
for it was the only one upon which I felt any confident hope. I had made
myself very sure of it; and the intelligence that not I but Macdonald was
the lucky man, absolutely stupefied me; yet I contrived for a time to
lose all sense of my misfortunes in exultation for Burton’s success.... I
sang, I danced, I whistled, I ran from room to room, announcing the great
tidings, and trying to persuade myself that I cared nothing at all for my
own case. But it would not do. It was bare sands with me the next day.
It was not the mere loss of the prize, but the feeling or phantasy of
an adverse destiny.... I foresaw that all my aims and hopes would prove
frustrate and abortive; and from that time I date my downward declension,
my impotence of will, and my melancholy recklessness. It was the first
time I sought relief in wine, which, as usual in such cases, produced
not so much intoxication as downright madness.’ Cast in an uncongenial
society, requiring to live in an atmosphere of respect and affection—and
surrounded by gravity and distrust—misconstrued and half tempted to
maintain the misconstruction; with the waywardness of childhood without
the innocency of its impulses; with the passions of manhood without the
repressive vigour of a man’s will,—he lived as a woman lives that is lost
and forsaken, who sins ever and hates herself for sinning, but who sins,
perhaps, more on that very account; because she requires some relief
from the keenness of her own reproach; because, in her morbid fancy, the
idea is ever before her; because her petty will is unable to cope with
the daily craving and the horrid thought—that she may not lose her own
identity—that she may not give in to the rigid, the distrustful, and the
calm.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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