'twas _ruther_, but then he's so awful disagreeable tew me, you know--'tain't _everybody_ I'd treat in such a way. Well, if you _must_ go, good-evenin'! Give my love to Hanner when you write agin--dew call frequently, Cappen Canoot, dew."--_The Bedott Papers._ THE STAMMERING WIFE When deeply in love with Miss Emily Pryne, I vowed, if, the maiden would only be mine, I would always endeavor to please her. She blushed her consent, though the stuttering lass Said never a word except "You're an ass---- An ass--an ass-iduous teaser!" But when we were married, I found to my ruth, The stammering lady had spoken the truth; For often, in obvious dudgeon, She'd say, if I ventured to give her a jog In the way of reproof--"You're a dog--you're a dog---- A dog--a dog-matic curmudgeon!" And once when I said, "We can hardly afford This extravagant style, with our moderate hoard, And hinted we ought to be wiser. She looked, I assure you, exceedingly blue, And fretfully cried, 'You're a Jew--you're a Jew---- A very ju-dicious adviser!'" Again, when it happened that, wishing to shirk Some rather unpleasant and arduous work, I begged her to go to a neighbor, She wanted to know why I made such a fuss, And saucily said, "You're a cuss--cuss--cuss---- You were always ac-cus-tomed to labor!" Out of temper at last with the insolent dame, And feeling that madam was greatly to blame To scold me instead of caressing, I mimicked her speech--like a churl that I am-- And angrily said, "You're a dam--dam--dam A dam-age instead of a blessing!" JOHN GODFREY SAXE. * * * * * HE ROSE TO THE OCCASION Several years ago there labored in one of the Western villages of Minnesota a preacher who was always in the habit of selecting his texts from the Old Testament, and particularly some portion of the history of Noah. No matter what the occasion was, he would always find some parallel incident from the history of this great character that would readily serve as a text or illustration. At one time he was called upon to unite the daughter of the village mayor and a prominent attorney in the holy bonds of matrimony. Two little boys, knowing his determination to give them a portion of the sacred history touching Noah's marriage, hit upon the novel idea of pasting together two leaves in the family Bible so as to connect, without any apparent break, the marriage of Noah and the description of the Ark of the Covenant.