"He--that man--that beast--oh, you don't know how dreadful he is--I could
murder him. He was the one--he was the first, but now he's getting it all
back, he's getting more than his own back--you'll see. He was the first; I
was all right till then, but he was the first. Not that it meant a great
deal to me; I don't want to seem any better than I am--it was all the same
to me. But afterward I began to understand. And it drew so much evil in
its train, I fell so low; I was on my knees. It was his fault. And
afterward it all grew clear to me. I want that man to leave me alone; I
don't ever want to see him again. That's not unreasonable, is it?--Oh,
where's Nikolai? You don't think he'll do anything to him, do you? They'll
put him in prison. Please, run after them, stop him! He'll kill him--"
"No, no. He has too much sense. Besides, he doesn't know, does he, that
Solem has done anything to you?"
She looked up at me then.
"Are you asking on your own account?"
"What do you mean?--I don't understand--"
"I want to know if you're asking on your own account! Sometimes you seem
as though you were trying to find me out. _No_, I _haven't_ told
my husband. You can think what you please about my honesty. I've only told
him part of it, just a little--that the man wouldn't leave me alone. He's
been here once before; he was the man Petra wanted to admit that I
wouldn't have in. I said to Nikolai, 'I won't have that man coming in
here!' And I told him a little more. But I didn't tell him about myself;
so now what do you think of my honesty? But I don't want to tell him now
either; I don't ever want to tell him. Why? Well, I don't owe you any
explanation. But I don't mind your knowing--yes, I want to tell you,
please! You see, it's not because I'm afraid of Nikolai's anger, but of
his forgiveness--I couldn't bear to go on living as though nothing had
happened. I'm sure he'd try to find excuses for me, because that's his
nature; he's fond of me, and he's a peasant, too, and peasants don't take
these things so seriously. But if he did find excuses for me, he wouldn't
be much good, and I don't want him to be no good; I swear I don't--I'd
rather be no good myself! Oh, we both have faults to forgive in each
other, but we need all of what's left. We don't want to be animals; we
want to be human beings, and I'm thinking of the future and our
children.... But you oughtn't to make me talk so much. Why did you ask me
that?"
"All I meant was that if Nikolai doesn't know, then it couldn't occur to
him to kill the man, and that was what you were worried about. I just
wanted to reassure you."
"Yes, you're always so clever; you turn me inside out. I wish now I hadn't
told you--I wish you didn't know; I should have kept it to myself till I
died. Now you just think I'm thoroughly dishonest."
"On the contrary."
"Really? Don't you think that?"
"Quite the contrary. What you've told me is absolutely right, entirely
true and right. And not only that--it's fine."
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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