Lord Ormont and His Aminta — CompleteMeredith, George
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Lord Ormont and His Aminta — Complete
Meredith, George
English fiction -- 19th century
She followed the coffin to its gravel-heap, wishing neither to see nor
be seen, only that she might be so far attached to the remains of the
dead; and the sense of blessedness she had in her bowed simplicity of
feeling was as if the sainted dead had cleansed and anointed her.
When the sods had been cast on, the last word spoken, she walked her
way back, happy in being alone, unnoticed. She was grateful to the chief
mourner for letting her go as she had come. That helped her to her sense
of purification, the haven out of the passions, hardly less quiet than
the repose into which the dear dead woman, his mother, had entered.
London lay beneath her. The might of the great hive hummed at the verge
of her haven of peace without disturbing. There she had been what
none had known of her: an ambitious girl, modest merely for lack of
intrepidity; paralyzed by her masterful lord; aiming her highest at
a gilt weathercock; and a disappointed creature, her breast a home of
serpents; never herself. She thought and hoped she was herself now.
Alarm lest this might be another of her moods, victim of moods as she
had latterly been, was a shadow armed with a dart playing round her to
find the weak spot. It sprang from her acknowledged weakness of nature;
and she cast about for how to keep it outside her and lean on a true
though a small internal support. She struck at her desires, to sound
them.
They were yesterday for love; partly for distinction, for a woman having
beauty to shine in the sphere of beauty; but chiefly to love and be
loved, therefore to live. She had yesterday read letters of a man
who broke a music from the word--about as much music as there is in
a tuning--fork, yet it rang and lingered; and he was not the magical
musician. Now those letters were as dust of the road. The sphere of
beauty was a glass lamp-globe for delirious moths. She had changed.
Belief in the real change gave her full view of the compliant coward she
had been.
Her heart assured her she had natural courage. She felt that it could be
stubborn to resist a softness. Now she cared no more for the hackneyed
musical word; friendship was her desire. If it is not life's poetry, it
is a credible prose; a land of low undulations instead of Alps; beyond
the terrors and the deceptions. And she could trust her friend: he who
was a singular constancy. His mother had told her of his preserving
letters of a girl he loved when at school; and of his journeys to an
empty house at Dover. That was past; but, as the boy, so the man would
be in sincerity of feeling trustworthy to the uttermost.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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