I managed to get myself free. This morning I am better. God in Heaven only knows--I would rather be torn limb from limb, yes, honestly, than endure the blackness of soul that I have had through all these years of strife and failure by myself. Dearest Thyrsis: Perhaps if I have written to you a few words, I shall be able to put my mind on study--as so far I have not done. I actually to-night have been indulging in all sorts of romantic moods about you. I felt in a singing mood, and when I came up from dinner I put on a beautiful dress, just for fun, and I looked quite radiant. I dreamed of you, and imagined that you were at my feet, in true Romeo fashion--and I was your Juliet. I imagined--I couldn’t help thinking of this, and I knew I ought to be doing something else! Oh, but how I want a poor taste of joy! You were my Romeo to-night--you were beautiful and young and loving; and well, I had one dream of youth and happiness before my miseries begin. I have felt that we were very near to each other lately. You have shown me the tenderness of your heart, and I love you quite rapturously. I love your goodness, your sympathy--perhaps when I see you I can tell you! XXX DEAREST THYRSIS: I received a postal just now, saying that you were coming soon. I had my usual queer faintness. It was like receiving word from the dead--it seemed such centuries--aeons--since I heard from you! I send you this batch of notes I have written you at various times, a sort of mental itinerary, for my mind has traveled into all sorts of queer places, back and forth. I tell you that without your continual influence, I am lost in doubt and uncertainty. Please try to understand these notes and my fits of love and fear. XXXI DEAR THYRSIS: I am in one of my cast-iron moods, this morning--in a fighting mood, I do not care with whom or what. You, even you, have not altogether understood me--you have often given me a dog’s portion. I have been a slave, a cowering kitten before you, and you (unwittingly I know) have done much to destroy all my courage and hope and love--by what you call making me aware of your higher self. Fortunately I _know_ what your higher self is, quite as well as you do, if not a little better--and I know that it is the self that most strengthens my love and courage, the self that most fills me with life. I have a right to life as well as you, and a right to the love in you that most inspires me. I feel I am capable of judging this, in spite of all my lack of education, and my inability to follow you in your intellectual life. I have thought lately that you were able to make yourself believe that you were anything you wished to think yourself. Whenever you wring my heart and deprive me of strength, I shall go somewhere alone, and when I have controlled myself, come back to you.