"And I feel like a slave tied to a galley oar," said he, quickly. "I
try to hide it from the mother--for it would break her heart--and from
Janet too; but every morning I rise, the dismalness of being alone
here--of being caged up alone--eats more and more into my heart. When I
look at you, Ogilvie--to-morrow morning you could go spinning off to any
quarter you liked, to see any one you wanted to see--"
"Macleod," said his companion, looking up, and yet speaking rather
slowly and timidly, "if I were to say what would naturally occur to any
one--you won't be offended? What you have been telling me is absurd,
unnatural, impossible, unless there is a woman in the case."
"And what then?" Macleod said, quickly, as he regarded his friend with a
watchful eye, "You have guessed?"
"Yes," said the other: "Gertrude White."
Macleod was silent for a second or two. Then he sat down.
"I scarcely care who knows it now," said he, absently "so long as I
can't fight it out of my own mind. I tried not to know it. I tried not
to believe it. I argued with myself, laughed at myself, invented a
hundred explanations of this cruel thing that was gnawing at my heart
and giving me no peace night or day. Why, man, Ogilvie, I have read
'Pendennis!' Would you think it possible that any one who has read
'Pendennis' could ever fall in love with an actress?"
He jumped to his feet again, walked up and down for a second or two,
twisting the while a bit of casting-line round his finger so that it
threatened to cut into the flesh.
"But I will tell you now, Ogilvie--now that I am speaking to any one
about it," said he--and he spoke in a rapid, deep, earnest voice,
obviously not caring much what his companion might think, so that he
could relieve his overburdened mind--"that it was not any actress I fell
in love with. I never saw her in a theatre but that once. I hated the
theatre whenever I thought of her in it. I dared scarcely open a
newspaper, lest I should see her name. I turned away from the posters in
the streets: when I happened by some accident to see her publicly
paraded that way, I shuddered all through--with shame, I think; and I
got to look on her father as a sort of devil that had been allowed to
drive about that beautiful creature in vile chains. Oh, I cannot tell
you! When I have heard him talking away in that infernal, cold, precise
way about her duties to her art, and insisting that she should have no
sentiments or feelings of her own, and that she should simply use every
emotion as a bit of something to impose on the public--a bit of her
trade, an exposure of her own feelings to make people clap their
hands--I have sat still and wondered at myself that I did not jump up
and catch him by the throat, and shake the life out of his miserable
body."
"You have cut your hand, Macleod."
He shook a drop or two of blood off.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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