Sammy stepped through the glass doors and found himself in an
air-conditioned cave of seemingly infinite dimension. The old Wal-Mart
had been the size of five football fields, and a cunning arrangement
of curtains and baffles managed to convey all that space without
revealing its contents. Before him was the ride vehicle, in a single
shaft of spotlight.
Gingerly, he stepped into it. The design was familiar -- there had
been a glut of these things before the fatkins movement took hold,
stair-climbing wheelchairs that used gyro-stabilizers to pitch, yaw,
stand and sit in a perpetual controlled fall. The Disney World
veterans of their heyday remembered them as failure-prone behemoths
that you needed a forklift to budge when they died, but the ride
people had done something to improve on the design. These things
performed as well as the originals, though they were certainly
knock-offs -- no*how* were these cats shelling out fifty grand a pop
for the real deal.
The upholstered seat puffed clouds of dust into the spotlight's shaft
as he settled into the chair and did up his lap-belt. The little LCD
set into the control panel lit up and started to play the standard
video spiel, narrated in grizzled voice-over.
WELCOME TO THE CABINET OF WONDERS
THERE WAS A TIME WHEN AMERICA HELD OUT THE PROMISE OF A NEW WAY OF
LIVING AND WORKING. THE NEW WORK BOOM OF THE TEENS WAS A PERIOD OF
UNPARALLELED INVENTION, A CAMBRIAN EXPLOSION OF CREATIVITY NOT SEEN
SINCE THE TIME OF EDISON -- AND UNLIKE EDISON, THE PEOPLE WHO INVENTED
THE NEW WORK REVOLUTION WEREN'T RIP-OFF ARTISTS AND FRAUDS.
THEIR MARVELOUS INVENTIONS EMERGED AT THE RATE OF FIVE OR SIX PER
WEEK. SOME DANCED, SOME SANG, SOME WERE HELPMEETS AND SOME WERE MERE
JESTERS.
TODAY, NEARLY ALL OF THESE WONDERFUL THINGS HAVE VANISHED WITH THE
COLLAPSE OF NEW WORK. THEY'VE ENDED UP BACK IN THE TRASH HEAPS THAT
INSPIRED THEM.
HERE IN THE CABINET OF WONDERS, WE ARE PRESERVING THESE LAST REMNANTS
OF THE GOLDEN AGE, A SINGLE BEACON OF LIGHT IN A TIME OF DARKNESS.
AS YOU MOVE THROUGH THE RIDESPACE, PLEASE REMAIN SEATED. HOWEVER, YOU
MAY PAUSE YOUR VEHICLE TO GET A CLOSER LOOK BY MOVING THE JOYSTICK
TOWARD YOURSELF. PULL THE JOYSTICK UP TO CUE NARRATION ABOUT ANY
OBJECT.
MOVE THE JOYSTICK TO THE LEFT, TOWARDS THE MINUS-ONE, IF YOU THINK AN
ITEM IS UGLY, UNWORTHY OR MISPLACED. MOVE THE JOYSTICK TO THE RIGHT,
TOWARD THE PLUS-ONE, IF YOU THINK AN ITEM IS PARTICULARLY
PLEASING. YOUR FEEDBACK WILL BE FACTORED INTO THE CONTINUOUS
REARRANGEMENT OF THE CABINET, WHICH TAKES PLACE ON A MINUTE-BY-MINUTE
BASIS, DRIVEN BY THE ROBOTS YOU MAY SEE CRAWLING AROUND THE FLOOR OF
THE CABINET.
THE RIDE LASTS BETWEEN TEN MINUTES AND AN HOUR, DEPENDING ON HOW OFTEN
YOU PAUSE.
PLEASE ENJOY YOURSELF, AND REMEMBER WHEN WE WERE GOLDEN.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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