In that moment he understood why men commit suicide, why it may appear
the soberest act of reason and of justice to fling away a life which
has lost its value in losing its egoism. But over that abyss his
thought hovered but an instant, and the horror of that instant produced
a swift reaction. The dangerous moment passed, and left him with a new
appetite for life. He felt the swift uprisal of faculties of enjoyment
in himself such as the convalescent feels when the blood flows nimbly
after sickness; and on a sudden he found himself convulsed with
laughter. The absurdity of his position moved him like a caricature.
He had blundered badly, but of what consequence was it in the vast sum
of things? All things continued as they were, the stars still were
steadfast in their courses, and from that upper silence fell a voice
that made him, and all human perturbations, a vain thing that endured
but for a moment. The spirit of derision was upon him, and, still
laughing, he plunged into the moving crowd.
Presently he found himself in Sixth Avenue, and his eye recognised the
sign of a small Italian restaurant of which he had heard an excellent
report. The front of the house was mean and narrow; the door opened on
a sanded vestibule, which, in turn, led to a long and crowded room. At
its upper end was a daïs, on which an excellent orchestra was seated.
As he entered the room, a man with a sweet and powerful tenor voice
sang an Italian comic song, the chorus of which was taken up by the
diners, who beat time with glasses and knives upon the tables. An
extraordinary vivacity characterised this curiously mixed assembly;
they appeared to have no cares in life, or, if they had, they were
intent upon forgetting them. All types were present, from the city
clergyman a little ill at ease in his environment to women of exotic
beauty, whose sidelong glances left little doubt of their profession.
Yet there was no element of disorder, no impression of vulgarity; there
was freedom but no licence, the mingling of human creatures in a
catholic amity; each content for the time to forget distinctions that
elsewhere might be deemed important, each happy in a transient release
from the servitudes of the long day, and perhaps from the memories of
misfortune.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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