McClure's Magazine, Vol. XXXI, No. 3, July 1908.Various
History
McClure's Magazine, Vol. XXXI, No. 3, July 1908.
Various
American literature -- Periodicals; Literature -- Periodicals
Dosia felt that other women must have loved him--how could they have
helped it? She had a pang of sorrow for them--for herself it made no
difference. If she had pain for all her life afterward, she was glad at
this moment that he was worthy to be loved; she need never be ashamed of
loving him--he was "good." The word seemed to contain some beautiful
comfort and uplifting. No matter what experience he had passed through
in his struggle with the world, he had held some simple, honorable,
_clean_ quality intact. The Dosia who must always have some heart-warm
dream to live by had it now; for all her life she could love him, pray
for him. She had always thought that to love was to be happy; now she
was to love and be unhappy--yet she would not have it otherwise.
So slight, so young, so lightly dealt with, Dosia had the pathetically
clear insight and the power that comes to those who see, not themselves
alone, their own desires and hopes, but the universe in which they
stand, and view their acts and thoughts in relation to it. She must see
Truth, "and be glad, even if it hurt."
The sunshine fell upon her in the garden; she was bathed in it. Whether
she had nights of straining, bitter wakefulness and days of heartache
afterward, this joy of loving was enough for her to-day--the joy of
loving him. She saw in that lovely, brooding thought of him what that
first meeting had taught of his character, and molded in with it her
knowledge of him now, to make the real man far more imperfect, though
far dearer. Yet, if he ever loved her as she loved him, part of that for
which she had always sought love would have to be foregone--she could
never come to him, as she had fondly dreamed of doing, and pour out to
him all those hopes and fears, those struggles and mistakes and trials
and indignities, the shame and the penitence that had been hers. She
could never talk of Lawson--her past must be forever unshriven and
uncomforted. Bailey Girard would be the last man on earth to whom she
could bare her heart in confession; these were the things that touched
him on the raw. He "hated the sound of Lawson's name." How many times
had George Sutton's face blotted out hers? If he knew _that_! She must
forever be unshriven. There would be things also, perhaps, that _she_
could not bear to hear! The eternal hurt of love, that it never can be
truly one with the beloved, touched her with its sadness, and then
slipped away in the thought of him now--not the man who was just to help
and protect her with his love, but the man whom she longed to help also.
His pleased eyes, his lips, the way his hair fell over his forehead--She
thought of him with the fond dream-passion of the maiden, that is often
the shyest thing on earth, ready to veil itself and turn and elude and
hide at the first chance that it may be revealed.
"Dosia! Dosia, where are you?"
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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