Artists -- Fiction; English fiction -- 20th century; Jews -- England -- London -- Fiction; Man-woman relationships -- Fiction
It had all seemed clear to her before she had come. He would
understand how wrong and twisted the whole thing had become. They
would suffer together and they would see how useless such suffering
was in a world of beauty and charm and youth, and they would part
because they had to part. He would understand, even if she could not
rightly understand, for he was strong and simple and direct, and free
of the soft vanity of youth.
But he did not understand. He was angry and domineering.
"Why do you say all this?" he said heavily, floundering for words.
"What does it mean? Nothing at all. You belong to me. You gave up
Mitchell because I said you must. Have you given up Mitchell?"
"Yes."
"Very well then. Nothing else matters. If I want a thing I will break
through a Chinese wall to get it. Nothing can stop me, because when I
want a thing it is mine already. I want it because it is mine
already."
He was making it impossible for her--impossible to go, impossible to
stay, impossible to say anything.
Outside in the street the heavy drays went clattering by on the stone
setts. When they had passed there came up the shrill cries of children
playing in the street, the drone of a Rabbi taking a class of boys in
Hebrew. On the hot air came the smell of the street--a smell of women
and babies and leather and kosher meat.
"I know the way of women," he said. "My mother has been my friend
always. But I do not know your ways. I only know that I love you. You
are mine as that picture is mine, and you cannot take yourself from
me."
"I don't want to take myself from you," she said, half angry, half in
tears. "I want to make you understand me."
"What is there to understand? Do I understand my pictures?" he cried.
"Do you want no mystery? How can there be life without mystery? I
don't expect you to understand. I only want you to be honest and true
to me. . . . I conceal nothing. I am a Jew. I live in this horrible
place. My life is as horrible as this place. You know all that, all
there is to know, and you love me. You cannot alter me. You cannot
change my nature. . . ."
"Don't say any more," she said. "It only becomes worse with talking."
"What becomes worse?"
She could not answer him. She could not say what she felt. The woods,
the Heath, and--this; the rattle and smell of the street, the
dinginess of the studio, the dinginess of his soul--the dinginess and
yet the fire of it. On the Heath he had been like a faun, prick-eared
and shaggy, but wild and free as her spirit was wild and free. Here he
was rough, coarse, harsh, and tyrannical. She could feel him battering
at her with his mind, searching her out, probing into her, and she
resented it with all the passion of her modesty. She gathered up all
her forces to resist him.
"You are terrible! Terrible!" she cried. "Don't you see that it must
be good-bye?"
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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