Bildungsromans; Love stories; Young women -- England -- Fiction
and yet an unconquerable reluctance kept him back. His history was not
quite spotless, and there were chapters in it which he thought it would
kill him to have brought before the public of Carlingford; but still he
was far from being a bad fellow in his way. And down at the bottom of
his heart, out of everybody's sight, and unacknowledged even by himself,
there was one little private nook full of gratitude to Lucilla. Though
he scarcely knew what was passing at the moment, he knew, when he came
to think of it, that she had saved him from the effects of his first
panic at the unexpected appearance of Mr Beverley. Perhaps it was partly
this consciousness that made him so embarrassed in her presence; and he
could not find it in his heart, with this sense of gratitude, to deceive
her, and say he loved her, and ask her to marry him. To be sure, if Mr
Cavendish had been a very acute observer, he might have felt that
Lucilla was quite able to take care of herself in such an emergency, and
was at the least a match for him, however seductive he might appear to
others; but then, few people are acute observers in a matter so entirely
personal to themselves.
He felt furious with himself as he went home, and thought how foolish he
had been ever to go near Barbara Lake in the present position of
affairs; and yet he could not help feeling that it was more delightful
to him to see the colour blaze into her cheeks, and the song rise like a
bird from her full crimson lips, and that flush of excitement and
triumph come from her eyes, than it could have been in any case to have
been admitted to the same degree of intimacy with Lucilla, who was not
in the least intoxicated by his presence. Thus the unfortunate man was
torn asunder, not so much by love and duty, as by inclination and
interest, though the inclination was not strong enough to have allowed
of any great sacrifice, nor the interest sufficiently certain to have
repaid the exertion. This only made it the more difficult to decide; and
in his circumstances, and with the panic that pursued him, he did not
feel it possible to adopt the only wise policy that remained to him, and
wait.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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