_July 4._ Statistics show that we lose more fools on this day than on all the other days of the year put together. This proves, by the number left in stock, that one Fourth of July per year is now inadequate, the country has grown so. Thanksgiving Day. Let all give humble, hearty, and sincere thanks, now, but the turkeys. In the island of Fiji they do not use turkeys; they use plumbers. It does not become you and me to sneer at Fiji. Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. It were not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion that makes horse races. Even the clearest and most perfect circumstantial evidence is likely to be at fault, after all, and therefore ought to be received with great caution. Take the case of any pencil, sharpened by any woman: if you have witnesses, you will find she did it with a knife; but if you take simply the aspect of the pencil, you will say she did it with her teeth. _April 1._ This the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four. It is often the case that the man who can’t tell a lie thinks he is the best judge of one. October 12, the _Discovery_. It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it. _FROM_ “THE PRIVATE HISTORY OF A CAMPAIGN THAT FAILED” (1885) THE MARION RANGERS You have heard from a great many people who did something in the war; is it not fair and right that you listen a little moment to one who started out to do something in it, but didn’t? Thousands entered the war, got just a taste of it, and then stepped out again permanently.... In that summer—of 1861—the first wash of the wave of war broke upon the shores of Missouri. Our state was invaded by the Union forces. They took possession of St. Louis, Jefferson Barracks, and some other points. The Governor, Calib Jackson, issued his proclamation calling out fifty thousand militia to repel the invader.