Simple rules for saving money: To save half, when you are fired by an eager impulse to contribute to a charity, wait, and count forty. To save three-quarters, count sixty. To save it all, count sixty-five. Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with. He had had much experience of physicians, and said “the only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d druther not.” The man who is ostentatious of his modesty is twin to the statue that wears a fig-leaf. Let me make the superstitions of a nation and I care not who makes its laws or its songs either. Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been. Do not undervalue the headache. While it is at its sharpest it seems a bad investment; but when relief begins the unexpired remainder is worth $4.00 a minute. True irreverence is disrespect to another man’s god. There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can. She was not quite what you would call refined. She was not quite what you would call unrefined. She was the kind of person that keeps a parrot. Make it a point to do something every day that you don’t want to do. This is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain. Don’t part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist but you have ceased to live. Often, the surest way to convey misinformation is to tell the truth. Satan (impatiently) to Newcomer: The trouble with you Chicago people is, that you think you are the best people down here; whereas you are merely the most numerous. In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then He made School Boards. There are no people who are quite so vulgar as the over-refined ones. In statesmanship get the formalities right, never mind about the moralities. Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody. The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid prejudice. There isn’t a Parallel of Latitude but thinks it would have been the Equator if it had had its rights. I have traveled more than any one else, and I have noticed that even the angels speak English with an accent. ART Whenever I enjoy anything in Art it means that it is mighty poor. The private knowledge of this fact has saved me from going to pieces with enthusiasm in front of many and many a chromo. ITALIAN CIGARS