Money for nothingWodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
General
Money for nothing
Wodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
Greed -- Fiction; Humorous stories; Swindlers and swindling -- Fiction
"The car!" croaked Soapy.
"I've just put it away, sir. Mr. Carmody has given me the day off to
attend the wedding of the wife's niece over at Upton Snodsbury."
"I want the car."
"I've just put it away, sir," said Bolt, speaking more slowly and with
the manner of one explaining something to an untutored foreigner. "Mr.
Carmody has given me the day off. Mrs. Bolt's niece is being married
over at Upton Snodsbury. And she's got a lovely day for it," said the
chauffeur, glancing at the sky with something as near approval as a
chauffeur ever permits himself. "Happy the bride that the sun shines
on, they say. Not that I agree altogether with these old sayings. I
know that when I and Mrs. Bolt was married it rained the whole time
like cats and dogs, and we've been very happy. Very happy indeed
we've been, taking it by and large. I don't say we haven't had our
disagreements, but, taking it one way and another...."
It began to seem to Soapy that the staffs of English country houses
must be selected primarily for their powers of conversation. Every
domestic with whom he had come in contact in Rudge Hall so far had
at his disposal an apparently endless flow of lively small-talk.
The butler, if you let him, would gossip all day about rabbits,
and here was the chauffeur apparently settling down to dictate his
autobiography. And every moment was precious!
With a violent effort he contrived to take in a stock of breath.
"I want the car, to go to Healthward Ho. I can drive it."
The chauffeur's manner changed. Up till now he had been the cheery
clubman meeting an old friend in the smoking room and drawing him aside
for a long, intimate chat, but at this shocking suggestion he froze. He
gazed at Soapy with horrified incredulity.
"Drive the Dex-Mayo, sir?" he gasped.
"Over to Healthward Ho."
The crisis passed. Bolt swallowed convulsively and was himself once
more. One must be patient, he realized, with laymen. They do not
understand. When they come to a chauffeur and calmly propose that their
vile hands shall touch his sacred steering-wheel they are not trying to
be deliberately offensive. It is simply that they do not know.
"I'm afraid that wouldn't quite do, sir," he said with a faint,
reproving smile.
"Do you think I can't drive?"
"Not the Dex-Mayo you can't, sir." Bolt spoke a little curtly, for
he had been much moved and was still shaken. "Mr. Carmody don't like
nobody handling his car but me."
"But I must go over to Healthward Ho. It's important. Business."
The chauffeur reflected. Fundamentally he was a kindly man, who liked
to do his Good Deed daily.
"Well, sir, there's an old push-bike of mine lying in the stables. You
could take that if you liked. It's a little rusty, not having been used
for some time, but I dare say it would carry you as far as Healthward
Ho."
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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