Money for nothingWodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
General
Money for nothing
Wodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
Greed -- Fiction; Humorous stories; Swindlers and swindling -- Fiction
"At Healthward Ho?"
"No!" said Mr. Molloy.
"No!" said Mrs. Molloy.
It would have been difficult to say which spoke with the greater
emphasis, and the effect was to create a rather embarrassing silence.
"It isn't that we don't trust you, Chimpie," said Mr. Molloy, when this
silence had lasted some little time.
"Oh?" said Mr. Twist, rather distantly.
"It's simply that this bimbo Carmody naturally don't want the stuff to
go out of the house. He wants it where he can keep an eye on it."
"How are you going to pinch it without taking it out of the house?"
"That's all been fixed. I was talking to him about it this morning
after I 'phoned you. Here's the idea. You get the stuff and pack it
away in a suitcase...."
"Stuff that there's only enough of so's you can put it all in a
suitcase is a hell of a lot of use to anyone," commented Mr. Twist
disparagingly.
Dolly clutched her temples. Mr. Molloy brushed his hair back from his
forehead with a despairing gesture.
"Sweet potatoes!" moaned Dolly. "Use your bean, you poor sap, use your
bean. If you had another brain you'd just have one. A thing hasn't got
to be the size of the Singer Building to be valuable, has it? I suppose
if someone offered you a diamond you'd turn it down because it wasn't
no bigger than a hen's egg."
"Diamond?" Chimp brightened. "Are there diamonds?"
"No, there aren't. But there's pictures and things, any one of them
worth a packet. Go on, Soapy. Tell him."
Mr. Molloy smoothed his hair and addressed himself to his task once
more.
"Well, it's like this, Chimpie," he said. "You put the stuff in a
suitcase and you take it down into the hall where there's a closet
under the stairs...."
"We'll show you the closet," interjected Dolly.
"Sure we'll show you the closet," said Mr. Molloy generously. "Well,
you put the suitcase in this closet and you leave it lay there. The
idea is that later on I give old man Carmody my cheque and he hands it
over and we take it away."
"He thinks Soapy owns a museum in America," explained Dolly. "He thinks
Soapy's got all the money in the world."
"Of course, long before the time comes for giving any cheques, we'll
have got the stuff away."
Mr. Chimp digested this.
"Who's going to buy it when you do get it away?" he asked.
"Oh, gee!" said Dolly. "You know as well as I do there's dozens of
people on the other side who'll buy it."
"And how are you going to get it away? If it's in a closet in Carmody's
house and Carmody has the key...?"
"Now there," said Mr. Molloy, with a deferential glance at his wife, as
if requesting her permission to re-open a delicate subject, "the madam
and I had a kind of an argument. I wanted to wait till a chance came
along sort of natural, but Dolly's all for quick action. You know what
women are. Impetuous."
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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