Money for nothingWodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
General
Money for nothing
Wodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
Greed -- Fiction; Humorous stories; Swindlers and swindling -- Fiction
Hugo Carmody was no poltroon. Both physically and morally he possessed
more than the normal store of courage. At Cambridge he had boxed for
his university in the light-weight division and once, in London, the
petty cash having run short, he had tipped a hat-check boy with an
aspirin tablet. Moreover, although it was his impression that the few
drops of whisky which he had drunk in John's room had but scratched
the surface, their effect in reality had been rather pronounced. "In
some diatheses," an eminent physician has laid down, "whisky is not
immediately pathogenic. In other cases the spirit in question produces
marked cachexia." Hugo's cachexia was very marked indeed. He would
have resented keenly the suggestion that he was fried, boiled, or even
sozzled, but he was unquestionably in a definite condition of cachexia.
In a situation, accordingly, in which many householders might have
quailed, he was filled with gay exhilaration. He felt able and willing
to chew the head off any burglar that ever packed a centrebit. Glowing
with cachexia and the spirit of adventure, he switched on the light
and found himself standing face to face with a small, weedy man beneath
whose snub nose there nestled a waxed moustache.
"Stand ho!" said Hugo jubilantly, falling at once into the vein of the
Quarrel Scene.
In the bosom of the intruder many emotions were competing for
precedence, but jubilation was not one of them. If Mr. Twist had had
a weak heart, he would by now have been lying on the floor breathing
his last, for few people can ever have had a nastier shock. He stood
congealed, blinking at Hugo.
Hugo, meanwhile, had made the interesting discovery that it was no
stranger who stood before him but an old acquaintance.
"Great Scot!" he exclaimed. "Old Doc. Twist! The beautiful,
tranquil-thoughts bird!" He chuckled joyously. His was a retentive
memory, and he could never forget that this man had once come within an
ace of ruining that big deal in cigarettes over at Healthward Ho, and
had also callously refused to lend him a tenner. Of such a man he could
believe anything, even that he combined with the duties of a physical
culture expert a little housebreaking and burglary on the side. "Well,
well, well!" said Hugo. "Remember March, the Ides of March remember!
Did not great Julius bleed for justice' sake? What villain touched his
body that did stab and not for justice? Answer me that, you blighter,
yes or no."
Chimp Twist licked his lips nervously. He was a little uncertain as to
the exact import of his companion's last words, but almost any words
would have found in him at this moment a distrait listener.
"Oh, I could weep my spirit from my eyes!" said Hugo.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
Reviews
Reviews
No reviews yet
Be the first to share your thoughts on this work.
Elsewhere in the archive
Join the Discussion
Join the discussion
Sign in to leave a comment or review.
Sign InorCreate an account