Money for nothingWodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
General
Money for nothing
Wodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
Greed -- Fiction; Humorous stories; Swindlers and swindling -- Fiction
"I'm telling you. There's a gentleman below--a gentleman who's called,"
said Sergeant-Major Flannery, making his meaning clear. "A gentleman,"
being still more precise, "who's called at the front door in a
nortermobile. He wants to see you."
"Well, he can't."
"Says his name's Molloy."
"Molloy?"
"That's what he _said_," replied Mr. Flannery, as one declining to be
quoted or to accept any responsibility.
"Oh? All right. Send him up."
"Taraxacum and hops," repeated the Sergeant-Major, pausing at the door.
He disappeared, and a few moments later returned, ushering in Soapy. He
left the two old friends together, and Soapy approached the bed with
rather an awe-struck air.
"You've got a cold," he said.
Chimp sniffed--twice. Once with annoyance and once at the jug.
"So would you have a code if you'd been sitting up to your neck in
water for half an hour last night and had to ride home tweddy biles
wriggig wet on a motorcycle."
"Says which?" exclaimed Soapy, astounded.
Chimp related the saga of the previous night, touching disparagingly on
Hugo and saying some things about Emily which it was well she could not
hear.
"And that leds me out," he concluded.
"No, no!"
"I'm through."
"Don't say that."
"I do say thad."
"But, Chimpie, we've got it all fixed for you to get away with the
stuff to-night."
Chimp stared at him incredulously.
"To-night? You thig I'm going out to-night with this code of mine, to
clibe through windows and be run off my legs by ..."
"But, Chimpie, there's no danger of that now. We've got everything set.
That guy Hugo and his friend are going to London this morning, and so's
the other fellow. You won't have a thing to do but walk in."
"Oh?" said Chimp.
He relapsed into silence, and took a thoughtful sniff at the jug.
This information, he was bound to admit, did alter the complexion of
affairs. But he was a business man.
"Well, if I do agree to go out and risk exposing this nasty, feverish
code of mine to the night air, which is the worst thig a man can
do--ask any doctor...."
"Chimpie!" cried Mr. Molloy in a stricken voice. His keen intuition
told him what was coming.
"... I don't do it on any sigsdy-forty basis. Sigsdy-five--thirty-five
is the figure."
Mr. Molloy had always been an eloquent man--without a natural turn
for eloquence you cannot hope to traffic successfully in the baser
varieties of oil stocks; but never had he touched the sublime heights
of oratory to which he soared now. Even the first few words would have
been enough to melt most people. Nevertheless when at the end of five
minutes he paused for breath, he knew that he had failed to grip his
audience.
"Sigsdy-five--thirty-five," said Chimp firmly. "You need me, or you
wouldn't have brought me into this. If you could have worked the job by
yourself, you'd never have tode me a word about it."
"I can't work it by myself. I've got to have an alibi. I and the wife
are going to a theatre to-night in Birmingham."
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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