Irish Americans -- Humor; Irish-American wit and humor
“They don't want annything, that's what they want. They want peace on
earth an' th' way they propose to get it is be murdhrin' ivry man that
don't agree with thim. They think we all shud do as they please. They're
down on th' polis foorce an' in favor iv th' pop'lace, an' whin they've
kilt a king they call on th' polis to save thim fr'm th' mob. An'
between you an' me, Hinnissy, ivry arnychist I've knowed, an' I've met
manny in me time, an' quite, law-abidin' citizens they was, too, had th'
makin' iv a thradeejan in him. If they was no newspapers they'd be few
arnychists. They want to get their pitchers in th' pa-apers an' they
can't do it be wheelin' bananas through th' sthreets or milkin' a cow,
so they go out an' kill a king. I used to know a man be th' name iv
Schmitt that was a cobbler be profession an' lived next dure but wan to
me. He was th' dacintist man ye iver see. He kep' a canary bur-rd, an'
his devotion to his wife was th' scandal iv th' neighborhood. But bless
my soul, how he hated kings. He cudden't abide Cassidy afther he heerd
he was a dayscinded fr'm th' kings iv Connock, though Cassidy was what
ye call a prolotoorio or a talkin' workin'man. An' th' wan king he hated
above all others was th' king iv Scholizwig-Holstein, which was th'
barbarous counthry he come fr'm. He cud talk fairly dacint about other
kings, but this wan--Ludwig was his name an' I seen his pitcher in
th' pa-apers wanst--wud throw him into a fit. He blamed ivrything that
happened to Ludwig. If they was a sthrike he charged it to Ludwig.
If Schwartzmeister didn't pay him f'r half-solin' a pair iv Congress
gaiters he used to wear in thim days, he tied a sthring arround his
finger f'r to remind him that he had to kill Ludwig. 'What have ye
again' th' king?' says I. 'He is an opprissor iv th' poor,' he says.
'So ar-re ye,' I says, 'or ye'd mend boots free.' 'He's explodin' th'
prolotoorio,' he says. 'Sure,' says I, 'th' prolotoorio can explode
thimsilves pretty well,' says I. 'He oughtn't to be allowed to live in
luxury while others starve,' he says. 'An' wud ye be killin' a man f'r
holdin' a nice job?' says I. 'What good wud it do ye?' says I. 'I'd be
th' emancipator iv th' people,' says he. 'Ye'd have th' wurred on th'
coffin lid,' says I. 'Why,' says he, 'think iv me, Schmitt, Owgoost
Schmitt, stalkin' forth to avinge th' woes iv th' poor,' he says.
'Loodwig, th' cursed, goes by. I jumps fr'm behind a three an' society
is freed fr'm th' monsther,' he says. 'Think iv th' glory iv it,' he
says. 'Owgoost Schmitt, emancipator,' he says. 'I'll prove to Mary Ann
that I'm a man,' he says. Mary Ann was his wife. Her maiden name was
Riley. She heard him say it. 'Gus,' says she, 'if iver I hear iv ye
shootin' e'er a king I'll lave ye,' she says.”
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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