"Here's a column about yisterdah's game. 'A large crowd assimbled to see th' match. Prisidint appeared ca'm an' collected. He wore his club unyform, gray pants, black leather belt, an' blue shirt. His opponent, th' sicrety iv war, was visibly narvous. Th' prisident was first off th' tee with an excellent three while his opponent was almost hopelessly bunkered in a camera. But he made a gallant recovery with a vaccuum cleaner an' was aven with th' prisidint in four. Th' prisidint was slightly to th' left in th' long grass on his fifth, but, nawthin' daunted, he took a hoe an' was well out in siven. Both players were in th' first bunker in eight, th' sicrety iv war havin' flubbed his sixth an' bein' punished f'r overdarin' on th' siventh. Th' prisidint was first out iv th' bunker at a quarther past two, his opponent followin' at exactly three sixteen. Th' prisidint was within hailin' distance iv home on his sixteenth shot, while his opponent had played eighteen. But th' pace had been too swift an' it was merely a question iv which wud be th' first to crack. That misfortune fell to th' lot iv th' sicrety iv war. Findin' himsilf in a bad lie, he undhertook to use a brassy in a spirit iv nawthin' venture nawthin' gain. It was raaly a brillyant shot. A foot nearer th' ball an' he might have accomplished a feat in golufing histhry. But th' luck iv war was against him an' he sthruck himsilf upon th' ankle. Th' prisidint, resolvin' to give him no mercy, took his dhriver an' made a sterling carry to within thirty yards iv th' green. There was now nawthin' to it. Continuin' to play with great dash, but always prudently, he had a sure putt iv not more thin forty feet to bate th' records f'r prisidints f'r this hole, a record that was established be th' prisident iv th' Women's Christyan Timp'rance Union in nineteen hundhred an' three. His opponent cried 'I give it to ye,' an' th' prisidint was down in a brillyant twinty two. His opponent was obliged to contint himsilf with a more modest but still sound an' meritoryous thirty-eight (estimated). "An' there ye ar-re. I'm ivrywhere, but I can always keep in touch with what's goin' on." "What kind iv a game is goluf?" asked Mr. Hennessy. "Why do they call it rile an' ancient?" "I don't know," said Mr. Dooley, "onless it is because th' prisidint iv th' United States has just took it up." End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Dooley Says, by Finley Dunne