The enthusiastic boating man, who, however, prefers luncheon when the hour arrives, to watching the most exciting race imaginable. The itinerant vendors of "coolers" and other delightful comestibles. The troupes of niggers selected and not quite select. The houseboat with decorations in odious taste, and company to match. The "perfect gentleman's rider" (from Paris) who remembers boating at Asnières thirty years ago, when Jules wore when rowing lavender kid-gloves and high top-boots. The calm mathematician (from Berlin), who would prefer to see the races represented by an equation. The cute Yankee (from New York), who is quite sure that some of the losing crews have been "got at" while training. The guaranteed enclosure, with band, lunch and company of the same quality. The "very best view of the river" from a dozen points of the compass. Neglected maidens, bored matrons, and odd men out. Quite the prettiest toilettes in the world. The Thames Conservancy in many branches. Launches: steam, electric, accommodating and the reverse. Men in flannels who don't boat, and men in tweeds who do. A vast multitude residential, and a vaster come per rail from town. Three glorious days of excellent racing, at once national and unique. An aquatic festival, a pattern to the world. And before all and above all, a contest free from all chicanery, and the very embodiment of fairplay. * * * * * The new lock at Teddington must be a patent one, as there is no quay. * * * * * [Illustration: NOT THE FIRST TIME THEY DON'T AGREE TOGETHER _Wife._ "Isn't it jolly to think we have the whole day before us? The boatman says we couldn't go home, even if we wanted to, till the tide turns, and that's not for hours and hours yet. I've got all sorts of lovely things for lunch too!"] * * * * * [Illustration: BIS DAT QUI CITO DAT _Lock-keeper (handing ticket)._ "Threepence, please." _Little Jenkins._ "Not me: I've just paid that fellow back there." _Lock-keeper (drily)._ "'Im! Oh, that's the chap _who collects for the Band_!"] * * * * * HINTS FOR HENLEY Flannels in moderation are pardonable, but they are slightly out of place if you can't row and it rains. The cuisine of a houseboat is not always limitless, so "chance" visitors are sometimes more numerous than welcome. The humours of burnt-cork minstrelsy must be tolerated during an aquatic carnival, but it is as well to give street singers as wide a berth as possible. In the selection of guests for, say, _The Pearl of the North Pole_, or _The Hushaby Baby_, it is as well to learn that none of them are cuts with the others, and all are prepared to accept "roughing it" as the order of the day. Lanterns, music, and fireworks are extremely pretty things, but night air on the river is sometimes an introduction to sciatica, rheumatism, and chills.