Because all the scarecrows in the country are already fitted. Because It is the hall-mark of human dignity, and, combined with a smile, is sufficient by Itself, without any other costume, to stamp the wearer as one of Nature's Noblemen, whether he be a Missing Link or a King of the Cannibal Islands. Because It is indispensable, as part of the stock-in-trade of conjurers, for the production of live rabbits, pots of flowers, interminable knotted handkerchiefs, and other useful and necessary articles. Because no Harrow boy is happy till he gets It. Because It is a decided protection in a street fight, or when you fall out hunting or coming home late from the Club. Because It only needs to be carefully sat on to make an excellent and noiseless substitute for the concertina. Because no self-respecting Guy, Bridegroom, or 'Bus-driver is ever seen without one. Because It is a very effective counterpart of the Matinée hat at Lord's, and similar gatherings. Because, to be at all in the fashion, and to look decently dressed, you require a fresh one every day. This is good for the trade. Because It stimulates the manufacture of umbrellas, eye-glasses, hansom-cabs, frock-coats, hair-restorers, and forcible language. Because no one has yet ventured to wear It on the all-prevalent bicycle. Because no statue has ever had the face to sport It, with very few deplorable exceptions. Because It is really the most becoming headgear hitherto devised. Because It is really the most unbecoming headgear hitherto devised. Because, after a hundred years, it is time we had a change. Because, when a thing has been running for a century, it is a pity to abolish It. Because, if It is abolished, the custom of raising It to ladies will perish as well, and there will follow the Extinction of Manners for Men, the Decadence of Church Parade, the General Cutting of Acquaintances, the re-introduction of Thumb-biting, Nose-pulling, Duelling, and Civil War, the disappearance of Great Britain as a first-class Power, the establishment of a Reign of Terror, and much inconvenience. Because I have recently purchased an Extra Special Loyal and Up-to-Date Jubilee Tile, which I hope to wave, throw up, and generally smash and sacrifice on the Great Occasion. But that is not another story. [Sidenote: _Fashions in Hats_]