“Give heed, oh, ye co-workers, bound under oath to give a true report! Our cause has made advances, and our work calls for the ripest service we can give. _The theatre modernized is fast winning the church. All honor, ye spirits who played your parts so well!_ The century has just closed, but not our opportunity. Let coming years be one of mightier conquest. Down with the narrow truth and morbid righteousness, and all things else that check our onward marching!” For a moment the chairman was silent. Then, as he raised his hand, I heard a hideous clang which proved to be the signal for the report of “The-Moral-Effect-of-the-Theatre” committee. Forthwith the whole committee stood _en masse_ before the chairman. “Our work goes on with speed,” cried the leader of the gang. “In every district we are gaining ground.” “I have watched your progress with joyful pride,” answered the chairman, as he smiled in hellish glee. “But I noted the sharp conflicts you had with certain reformers in the churches.” “Some of them we cannot conquer,” despairingly admitted the leader. “Grieve not over forts you cannot take, but make good use of those that have surrendered.” “They are firing our guns splendidly,” quickly intercepted the leader, as he rose and read the following report: 1. “We have labored earnestly in the ranks of the church until many more of her members now believe that the moral effect of our Theatres is helpful. 2. “We have succeeded in dividing the members of many churches on this question, and have witnessed, with pleasure, the many kinds of quarrels that have resulted therefrom. 3. “We have succeeded in turning the tide of many periodicals, so that the defense of the Theatre, as a moral stimulant, is more general than ever.” As the leader closed his brief report, the chairman offered his compliments, and the host cheered with vigor. The committee retired. The chairman again lifted his hand and two clangs were heard. This was the signal for the appearance of the “Park-Theatre” committee. “Good tidings, or ill?” tersely asked the chairman. “Good tidings of the first degree,” cheerily replied the leader of the committee as he proceeded to read his document: 1. “We labored, with all zeal, to carry out the schemes concocted previously. 2. “We have succeeded in locating a series of free Theatres at every summer park where we could possibly induce the management to admit them. 3. “These Theatres, even though they be of a third or fourth class, are doing a great service for us by implanting a taste for other grades. 4. “By this happy medium we are winning young people and church-members by the thousand, for they can attend these Park exhibitions without being severely criticised. 5. “We are careful to give them enough immoral and sensual bait to draw them further. (Wild applause.)