Mrs. Caudle's Curtain LecturesJerrold, Douglas William
General
Mrs. Caudle's Curtain Lectures
Jerrold, Douglas William
English wit and humor; Marriage -- Humor
"You could go out and make yourself comfortable at your club. You
little know how many windows are broken. How many do you think? No:
I sha'n't tell you to-morrow--you shall know now. I'm sure! Talking
about getting health at Margate; all my health went away directly I
went into the kitchen. There's dear mother's china bowl cracked in
two places. I could have sat down and cried when I saw it: a bowl I
can recollect when I was a child. Eh?
"I SHOULD HAVE LOCKED IT UP, THEN?
"Yes: that's your feeling for anything of mine. I only wish it had
been your punch-bowl; but, thank goodness! I think that's chipped.
"Well, you haven't answered about the windows--you can't guess how
many?
"YOU DON'T CARE?
"Well, if nobody caught cold but you, it would be little matter. Six
windows clean out, and three cracked!
"YOU CAN'T HELP IT?
"I should like to know where the money's to come from to mend 'em!
They sha'n't be mended, that's all. Then you'll see how respectable
the house will look. But I know very well what you think. Yes;
you're glad of it. You think that this will keep me at home--but
I'll never stir out again. Then you can go to the sea-side by
yourself; then, perhaps, you can be happy with Miss Prettyman?--Now,
Caudle, if you knock the pillow with your fist in that way, I'll get
up. It's very odd that I can't mention that person's name but you
begin to fight the bolster, and do I don't know what. There must be
something in it, or you wouldn't kick about so. A guilty conscience
needs no--but you know what I mean.
"She wasn't coming to town for a week; and then, of a sudden, she'd
had a letter. I dare say she had. And then, as she said, it would
be company for her to come with us. No doubt. She thought I should
be ill again, and down in the cabin, but with all her art, she does
not know the depth of me--quite. Not but what I was ill; though,
like a brute, you wouldn't see it.
"What do you say?
"GOOD-NIGHT, LOVE?
"Yes: you can be very tender, I dare say--like all of your sex--to
suit your own ends; but I can't go to sleep with my head full of the
house. The fender in the parlour will never come to itself again. I
haven't counted the knives yet, but I've made up my mind that half of
'em are lost. No: I don't always think the worst; no, and I don't
make myself unhappy before the time; but of course that's my thanks
for caring about your property. If there aren't spiders in the
curtains as big as nutmegs, I'm a wicked creature. Not a broom has
the whole place seen since I've been away. But as soon as I get up,
won't I rummage the house out, that's all! I hadn't the heart to
look at my pickles; but for all I left the door locked, I'm sure the
jars have been moved. Yes; you can swear at pickles when you're in
bed; but nobody makes more noise about 'em when you want 'em.
"I only hope they've been to the wine-cellar: then you may know what
my feelings are. That poor cat, too--What?
"YOU HATE CATS?
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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