away from it all, to be comfortable yourself whether others are or not.
"Think of your wife and children, of the home you have made. Is it your
right to sneak away from all this just to make yourself look and sound
consistent? Have you not duties toward your wife and children to
observe? Do you think you can throw over all that you were to them and
they to you merely to satisfy your vanity--vanity, Lyoff, and nothing
more. You are vain in your very sneaking. You insist upon appearing all
that you think you are.
"Back, back, back! Remember your wife and children. Remember that you
have no right to make them think and live the way you would. Remember
that to sneak away is cowardly. Back, Lyoff Nicolayevitch!" And back the
old man has trudged, to take up his burden as a citizen.
One night he talked with me about my tramps. He asked me why I had made
them, how the vagabonds lived, and why I had not continued to live among
them. I told him the truth. He stroked his white beard and looked
dreamily at the chess-board.
"If I were younger," he said at last, "I should like to make a tramp
trip with you here in Russia. Years ago I used to wander about among
them a good deal. Now, I am too old--too old," and he ran his hands
rheumatically up and down his legs.
When leaving Yasnaya Polyana, I asked the Count's neighbor in whose
house I had slept whether there was anything I could do for him or the
Count during my travels. My railroad pass was good yet for a number of
weeks, and it occurred to me that, perhaps, during my wanderings I could
run some errand for Tolstoy. At the time, I had no thought that my
proposition could get him, myself or anybody else into trouble. To be
sure, Mr. Breckenridge, the American Minister at St. Petersburg, had
given me, in addition to my passport, a general letter "To whom it may
concern," recommending me to everybody as a bona fide American citizen
and gentleman, and bespeaking for me in advance the friendly offices of
all with whom I might be thrown. But I failed utterly to see how I was
going back on this letter in offering to render a service that the
Count, or rather his neighbor, asked me to render.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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