Narrative and Miscellaneous PapersDe Quincey, Thomas
General
Narrative and Miscellaneous Papers
De Quincey, Thomas
English essays; English fiction
wonder at the sort of breakfasts usual amongst women of rank in the
times of Queen Elizabeth. 'What robust stomachs they must have had,
to support such solid meals!' As to the question of fact, whether the
stomachs were more or less robust in those days than at the present,
there is no need to offer an opinion. But the question of principle
concerned in scientific dietetics points in the very opposite direction.
By how much the organs of digestion are feebler, by so much is it the
more indispensable that solid food and animal food should be adopted.
A robust stomach may be equal to the trying task of supporting a fluid,
such as tea for breakfast; but for a feeble stomach, and still more for
a stomach _enfeebled_ by bad habits, broiled beef, or something equally
solid and animal, but not too much subjected to the action of fire, is
the only tolerable diet. This, indeed, is the one capital rule for a
sufferer from habitual intoxication, who must inevitably labor under
an impaired digestion; that as little as possible he should use of any
liquid diet, and as little as possible of vegetable diet. Beef, and a
little bread, (at the least sixty hours old,) compose the privileged
bill of fare for his breakfast. But precisely it is, by the way, in
relation to this earliest meal, that human folly has in one or two
instances shown itself most ruinously inventive. The less variety there
is at that meal, the more is the danger from any single luxury; and
there is one, known by the name of 'muffins,' which has repeatedly
manifested itself to be a plain and direct bounty upon suicide. Darwin,
in his 'Zoonomia,' reports a case where an officer, holding the rank of
lieutenant-colonel, could not tolerate a breakfast in which this odious
article was wanting; but, as a savage retribution invariably supervened
within an hour or two upon this act of insane sensuality, he came to
a resolution that life was intolerable _with_ muffins, but still more
intolerable _without_ muffins. He would stand the nuisance no longer;
but yet, being a just man, he would give nature one final chance of
reforming her dyspeptic atrocities. Muffins, therefore, being laid at
one angle of the breakfast-table, and loaded pistols at another, with
rigid equity the Colonel awaited the result. This was naturally pretty
much as usual: and then, the poor man, incapable of retreating from his
word of honor, committed suicide,--having previously left a line for
posterity to the effect (though I forget the expression), 'That a
muffinless world was no world for him: better no life at all than a life
dismantled of muffins.'--Dr. Darwin was a showy philosopher, and fond of
producing effect, so that some allowance must be made in construing the
affair. Strictly speaking, it is probable that not the especial want
of muffins, but the general torment of indigestion, was the curse from
which the unhappy sufferer sought relief by suicide. And the Colonel was
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