As soon as she had taken the cup from her father's hand, she returned
to the parlour. It might be that Anton was still there. She had left
him in the room, and had shut her ears against the sound of his steps,
as though she were resolved that she would care nothing ever again for
his coming or going. He was gone, however, and the room was empty, and
she sat down in solitude, with her back against the wall, and began to
realise her position. He had told her that others accused her, but that
he had not suspected her. He had not suspected her, but he had thought
it necessary to search, and had found in her possession that which had
made her guilty in his eyes!
She would never see him again--never willingly. It was not only that he
would never forgive her, but that she could never now be brought to
forgive him. He had stabbed her while her words of love were warmest in
his ear. His foul suspicions had been present to his mind even while
she was caressing him. He had never known what it was to give himself
up really to his love for one moment. While she was seated on his knee,
with her head pressed against his, his intellect had been busy with the
key and the desk, as though he were a policeman looking for a thief,
rather than a lover happy in the endearments of his mistress. Her vivid
mind pictured all this to her, filling her full with every incident of
the insult she had endured. No. There must be an end of it now. If she
could see her aunt that moment, or Lotta, or even Ziska, she would tell
them that it should be so. She would say nothing to Anton--no, not a
word again, though both might live for an eternity; but she would write
a line to Rebecca Loth, and tell the Jewess that the Jew was now free
to marry whom he would among his own people. And some of the words that
she thought would be fitting for such a letter occurred to her as she
sat there. "I know now that a Jew and a Christian ought not to love
each other as we loved. Their hearts are different." That was her
present purpose, but, as will be seen, she changed it afterwards.
But ever and again as she strengthened her resolution, her thoughts
would run from her, carrying her back to the sweet rapture of some
moment in which the man had been gracious to her; and even while she
was struggling to teach herself to hate him, she would lean her head on
one side, as though by doing so she might once more touch his brow with
hers; and unconsciously she would put out her fingers, as though they
might find their way into his hand. And then she would draw them back
with a shudder, as though recoiling from the touch of an adder.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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