For the rest there was a quantity of bloodshed and intrigue and false
accusation, but I was surprised, considering the subject, how little was
against Popery; but Mrs. Behn was content at the end of it to make the
_Cardinal_ beg pardon of _King Philip_.
For the most part then I attended to the action--(and to Dolly, of
course, all the while). Yet certainly there were other moments for me,
when the shadow came down again, and I saw the actors and the whole
house as if in a kind of bloody mist, though I had at that time no
reason for it at all, and do not think that I shewed any sign of it. Two
or three times before, as I have related, there came on me a strange
mood--once when I came up from Wapping, and once as I put out from Dover
in the packet. But it was not that kind of mood this time. Then it was
as if all the world of sense were but a very thin veil, and all that was
happening a kind of dream, or play. Now it was as if the play had a
shocking kind of reality, as if the audience and the actors were
monstrous devils in hell; and the paint on Mrs. Lee's cheeks her true
colour, and her gestures great symbols, and the noise of the people the
roar of hell. This came and went once or twice; and at the time I
thought it to be my own humour only; but now I know that it was
something other than this. When I looked at Dolly it went again in an
instant, and she and I seemed to me the heart of everything, and all
else but our circumstances and for our pleasure.
Well; it ended at last, and there was a great deal of applauding, and
Mrs. Lee came on to the stage again to bow and smile. It was then, for
the third time, I think, that my horror fell on me. As I stared at her,
all else seemed to turn dim and vanish. She was in her costume with the
blood on her arm and breast, and her great billowy skirts about her, and
her stage-jewels, and she was smiling; and I, as I looked at her, seemed
to see the folly and the shame of her like fire; and yet that folly and
shame had a power that nothing else had. Her smile seemed to me like the
grin of a devil; and her colour to be daubs upon her bare cheek-bones,
and she herself like some rotten thing with a semblance of life that was
not life at all. I cannot put it into words at all: I know only that I
ceased applauding, and stared on her as if I were bewitched.
Then I saw my dear love's fingers on my arm, and her face looking at me
as if she were frightened.
"What is the matter, Cousin Roger?" she whispered; and then: "Come,
Cousin Roger; it is late."
Then my mood passed, or I shook myself clear of it.
"Yes; yes," I said. "It is nothing. Come, my dear."
* * * * *
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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