Old Friends: Essays in Epistolary ParodyLang, Andrew
General
Old Friends: Essays in Epistolary Parody
Lang, Andrew
Imaginary letters; Parodies; Wit and humor
Nor is this disappointment my only _cross_. The carrion-birds of
commerce have marked down the stricken deer from their eyries in Bond
Street and Jermyn Street. To know how Solomons has behaved, and the
_black_ colours in which Moss (of Wardour Street) has shown himself, is
to receive a new light on the character of a People chosen under a very
different Dispensation! Detainers flock in, like ravens to a feast. At
this moment I have endured the humiliation of meeting a sneering child of
this world—Mr. Arthur Pendennis—the emissary of one {151} to whom I gave
in other days the sweetest blossom in the garden of my affections—my
sister—of one who has, indeed, behaved like a brother—_in law_! My word
distrusted, my statements received with a chilling scepticism by this
_Nabob_ Newcome, I am urged to make some “composition” with my creditors.
The world is very censorious, the ear of a Bishop is easily won; who
knows how those who have _envied_ talents not misused may turn my
circumstances to my disadvantage? You will see that, far from aiding
another, I am rather obliged to seek succour myself. But that saying
about the sparrows abides with me to my comfort. Could aught be done,
think you, with a bill backed by our joint names? On July 12 my
pew-rents will come in. I swear to you that they _have not been
anticipated_. Yours afflictedly,
CHARLES HONEYMAN.
P.S.—Would Jarndyce lend his name to a small bill at three months? You
know him well, and I have heard that he is a man of benevolent character,
and of substance. But “how hardly shall a rich man”—you remember the
text.—C. H.
XIX.
_From Miss Harriet to M. Guy de Maupassant_.
This note, from one of the English damsels whom M. Guy de Maupassant
dislikes so much, is written in such French as the lady could muster. It
explains that recurrent mystery, _why Englishwomen abroad smell of
gutta-percha_. The reason is not discreditable to our countrywomen, but
if M. de Maupassant asks, as he often does, why Englishwomen dress like
scarecrows when they are on the Continent, Miss Harriet does not provide
the answer.
Miss Pinkerton’s, Stratford-atte-Bowe, Mars 12.
MONSIEUR,—Vous devez me connaître, quoique je ne vous connais pas le
moins du monde. Il m’est défendu de lire vos romans, je ne sais trop
pourquoi; mais j’ai bien lu la notice que M. Henry James a consacrée,
dans le _Fortnightly Review_, à votre aimable talent. Vous n’aimez pas,
à ce qu’il paraît, ni ‘la sale Angleterre’ ni les filles de ce pays
immonde. Je figure moi-même dans vos romans (ou _moâ_-même, car les
Anglais, il est convenu, prononcent ce pronom comme le nom d’un oiseau
monstrueux et même préhistorique de New Zealand)—oui, ‘Miss Harriet’ se
risque assez souvent dans vos contes assez risqués.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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