Old Friends: Essays in Epistolary ParodyLang, Andrew
General
Old Friends: Essays in Epistolary Parody
Lang, Andrew
Imaginary letters; Parodies; Wit and humor
_From Inspector Bucket to M. Lecoq_.
May 26, 1 A.M.
MY DEAR SIR,—We have taken your man without difficulty. Bald,
benevolent-looking, stout, perhaps fancies himself like Napoleon; if so,
is deceived. We nabbed him asleep over his liquor and alone, at the
address you meant to give, 5 Forest Road, St. John’s Wood. The house was
empty, servants out, not a soul but him at home. He speaks English well
for a foreigner, and tries to make out he is a British subject. Was
rather confused when took, and kept ejaculating “Cold Punch,” apparently
with the hope of persuading us that such was his name or alias. He also
called for one Sam—probably an accomplice. He travels to Calais to-day
as a lunatic patient in a strait-waistcoat, under charge of four
“keepers” belonging to the force; and I trust that you have made
preparations for receiving your prisoner, and that our management of the
case has given satisfaction. What I like is doing business with a man
like you. We may not be so smart nor so clever at disguises as the
French profession, but we flatter ourselves we are punctual and
cautious.—Faithfully yours,
C. BUCKET.
* * * * *
_From Mr. Pickwick to Mr. Perker_, _Solicitor_, _Gray’s Inn_.
Sainte Pélagie, May 28.
DEAR PERKER,—For heaven’s sake come over here at once, bringing some one
who can speak French, and bail me out, or whatever the process of their
law may be. I have been arrested, illegally and without warrant, at the
house of a scientific friend, Count Fosco, where I had been supping. As
far as I can understand, I am accused of a plot against the life of the
Emperor of the French; but the whole proceedings have been unintelligible
and arbitrary to a degree. I cannot think that an English citizen will
be allowed to perish by the guillotine—innocent and practically unheard!
Please bring linen and brushes, &c., but not Sam, who would be certain to
embroil himself with the French police. I am writing to the _Times_ and
Lord Palmerston.—Sincerely yours,
SAMUEL PICKWICK.
* * * * *
_From Monsieur Lecoq to Inspector Bucket_.
May 27.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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