Old Friends: Essays in Epistolary ParodyLang, Andrew
General
Old Friends: Essays in Epistolary Parody
Lang, Andrew
Imaginary letters; Parodies; Wit and humor
I was up on the Knobkerry River, prospecting for diamonds, in
Omomborombunga’s country. I had nobody with me but poor Jim-jim, who
afterwards met with an awful death, otherwise he would have been glad to
corroborate my tale, if it needed it. One night I had come back tired to
camp, when I found a stranger sitting by the fire. He was a dark, fat,
Frenchified little chap, and you won’t believe me, but it is a fact that
he wore gloves. I asked him to stay the night, of course, and inspanned
the waggons in laager, for Omomborombunga’s impis were out, swearing to
wash their spears in the blood of The Great White Liar—a Portuguese
traveller probably; if not, I don’t know who he can have been; perhaps
this stranger: he gave no name. Well, we had our biltong together, and
the Stranger put himself outside a good deal of the very little brandy I
had left. We got yarning, so to speak, and I told him a few of the
curious adventures that naturally fall to the lot of a man in those wild
countries. The Stranger did not say much, but kept playing with a huge
carved walking-stick that he had. Presently he said, “Look at this
stick; I bought it from a boy on a South African Farm. Do you understand
what the carvings mean?”
“Hanged if I do!” I said, after turning it about.
“Well, do you see that figure?” and he touched a thing like a Noah out of
a child’s ark. “That was a hunter like you, my friend, but not in all
respects. That hunter pursued a vast white bird with silver wings,
sailing in the everlasting blue.”
“Everlasting bosh!” said I; “there is no bird of the kind on the veldt.”
“That bird was Truth,” says the Stranger, “and, judging from the anecdote
you tell me about the Babyan woman and the Zulu medicine-man, it is a
bird _you_ don’t trouble yourself with much, my friend.”
This was a pretty cool thing to say to a man whose veracity is known like
a proverb from Sheba’s Breasts to the Zambesi.
_Foide Macumazahn_, the Zulus say, meaning as true as a yarn of Allan
Quatermain’s. Well, my blood was up; no man shall call Allan Quatermain
a liar. The fellow was going on with a prodigious palaver about a white
feather of Truth, and Mount Sinai, and the Land of Absolute Negation, and
I don’t know what, but I signified to him that if he did not believe my
yarns I did not want his company. “I’m sorry to turn you out,” I said,
“for there are lions around”—indeed they were roaring to each other—“and
you will have a parroty time. But you apologise, or you go!”
He laughed his short thick laugh. “I am a man who hopes nothing, feels
nothing, fears nothing, and believes nothing that you tell me!”
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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