The sense of his utter loneliness, often depressing and dispiriting, was
now a sort of comfort to him. Looking to nothing but defeat, he was glad
that there was none to share in his sorrows. Of all the world, he
thought poor Clara alone would pity him. Her lot was like his own,--the
same friendlessness, the self-same difficulty. Why should he not have
her sympathy? She would give it freely and with her whole heart. It was
but to tell her, “I am far away and unhappy. I chafe under dependence,
and I know not how to assert my freedom. I would do something, and yet I
know not what it is to be. I distrust myself, and yet there are times
when I feel that one spoken word would give such courage to my heart
that I could go on and hope.” Could she speak that word to him? was his
ever present thought. He resolved to try, and accordingly wrote her a
long, long letter. Full of the selfishness of one who loved, he told her
the whole story of his journey, and the plan that led to it. “I have
patience enough for slow toil,” said he, “but I do not seek for the
success it brings. I wanted the quick prosperity that one great effort
might secure, and time afterwards to enjoy the humble fortune thus
acquired. With merely enough for life, Clara, I meant to ask you to
share it. Who are as friendlessly alone as we are? Who are so bereft of
what is called home? Say, have you a heart to give me,--when I can claim
it,--and will you give it? I am low and wretched because I feel unloved.
Tell me this is not so, and in the goal before me hope and energy will
come back to me.” Broken and scarce coherent at times, his letter
revealed one who loved her ardently, and who wanted but her pledge to
feel himself happy. He pressed eagerly to know of her own life,--what it
was, and whether she was contented. Had she learned anything of the
mystery that surrounded her family, or could she give him the slightest
clew by which he could aid her in the search? He entreated of her to
write to him, even though her letter should not be the confirmation of
all he wished and prayed for.
The very fact of his having written this to Clara seemed to rally his
spirits. It was at least a pledge to his own heart. He had placed a goal
before him, and a hope.
“I am glad to see you look cheerier,” said Quackinboss, as they sat
talking over their plans. “The hardest load a man ever carried is a
heavy heart, and it's as true as my name's Shaver, that one gets into
the habit of repinin' and seein' all things black jest as one falls into
any other evil habit. Old Grip Quackinboss said, one day, to Mr.
Jefferson, 'Yes, sir,' says he, 'always hearty, sir,--always cheery.
There 's an old lady as sweeps the crossin' in our street, and I give
her a quarter-dollar to fret for me, for it's a thing I've sworn never
to do for myself.'”
“Well,” said Layton, gayly, “you 'll see I 've turned over a new leaf;
and whatever other thoughts you shall find in me, causeless depression
shall not be of the number.”
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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