Oh! he can prophesy With a wink of his eye, Peep with security Into futurity, Sum up your history, Clear up a mystery, Humour proclivity For a nativity--for a nativity; Mirrors so magical, Tetrapods tragical, Bogies spectacular, Answers oracular, Facts astronomical, Solemn or comical, And, if you want it, he Makes a reduction on taking a quantity! Oh! If any one anything lacks, He’ll find it all ready in stacks, If he’ll only look in On the resident Djinn, Number seventy, Simmery Axe! He can raise you hosts Of ghosts, And that without reflectors; And creepy things With wings, And gaunt and grisly spectres. He can fill you crowds Of shrouds, And horrify you vastly; He can rack your brains With chains, And gibberings grim and ghastly! Then, if you plan it, he Changes organity, With an urbanity Full of Satanity, Vexes humanity With an inanity Fatal to vanity-- Driving your foes to the verge of insanity! Barring tautology, In demonology, ’Lectro-biology, Mystic nosology, Spirit philology, High-class astrology, Such is his knowledge, he Isn’t the man to require an apology! Oh! My name is John Wellington Wells. I’m a dealer in magic and spells, In blessings and curses, And ever-filled purses, In prophecies, witches, and knells. If any one anything lacks, He’ll find it all ready in stacks, If he’ll only look in On the resident Djinn, Number seventy, Simmery Axe! _Alex._ I have sent for you to consult you on a very important matter. I believe you advertise a Patent Oxy-Hydrogen Love-at-first-sight Philtre? _Mr. W._ Sir, it is our leading article. (_Producing a phial._) _Alex._ Now, I want to know if you can confidently guarantee it as possessing all the qualities you claim for it in your advertisement?