Pages from a Journal with Other PapersWhite, William Hale
General
Pages from a Journal with Other Papers
White, William Hale
English essays
He rose, she took his right hand in both of hers: there was one look
straight into his eyes from her own which were filling with tears, a half
sob, her hands after one more grasp fell, and he found that he had left
the house. He went home. How strange it is to return to a familiar
chamber after a great event has happened! On his desk lay a volume of
Cicero’s letters. The fire had not been touched and was almost out: the
door leading to the garden was open: the self of two hours before seemed
to confront him. When the tumult in him began to subside he was struck
by the groundlessness of his double assumption that Mrs. Fairfax was Mrs.
Leighton and that she was free. He had made no inquiry. He had noticed
the wedding-ring, and he had come to some conclusion about it which was
supported by no evidence. Doubtless she could not be his: her husband
was still alive. At last the hour for which unconsciously he had been
waiting had struck, and his true self, he not having known hitherto what
it was, had been declared. But it was all for nothing. It was as if
some autumn-blooming plant had put forth on a sunny October morning the
flower of the year, and had been instantaneously blasted and cut down to
the root. The plant might revive next spring, but there could be no
revival for him. There could be nothing now before him but that same
dull duty, duty to the dull, duty without enthusiasm. He had no example
for his consolation. The Bible is the record of heroic suffering: there
is no story there of a martyrdom to monotony and life-weariness. He was
a pious man, but loved prescription and form: he loved to think of
himself as a member of the great Catholic Church and not as an isolated
individual, and he found more relief in praying the prayers which
millions had before him than in extempore effusion; humbly trusting that
what he was seeking in consecrated petitions was all that he really
needed. “In proportion as your prayers are peculiar,” he once told his
congregation in a course of sermons on Dissent, “they are worthless.”
There was nothing, though, in the prayer-book which met his case. He was
in no danger from temptation, nor had he trespassed. He was not in want
of his daily bread, and although he desired like all good men to see the
Kingdom of God, the advent of that celestial kingdom which had for an
instant been disclosed to him was for ever impossible.
The servant announced Mrs. Sweeting, who was asked to come in.
“Sit down, Mrs. Sweeting. What can I do for you?”
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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